No Reserves, No Retreats, No Regrets

ex-clusivity

2011-08-19T11:24:00.000-07:00

Haven't given much attention to the news ever since work started, so yeah, the General elections were an eye-opener, but absolutely no clue about the upcoming Presidential elections. Something I don't like about the media (and ironically, social media): its limited scope - it cannot possibly capture the feelings of the mass majority, yet so much weightage is given to what is published. Inevitably, the loudest voice gets heard, not necessarily the wisest or the more representative.

Just watched American History X again. Dunno, some days you just feel prepared to take on the violent stuff you know? (As evident, movies like this just give me sleepless nights...)

So, 0236 hours. What am I thinking... Well, it doesn't take much for us to hate. Us, as in, any human. It doesn't even matter if we really went through stuff, like how the main characters' father got murdered. All it takes is for us to get the perception that we were wronged, our rights were withheld or stolen, that we are victims of circumstance, for it to colour our view about the actions, words and motivations of other people. That's all it takes.

Therefore, taking the advice of a lead actor in the movie, to quote someone (who quoted someone else):

"So I guess this is where I tell you what I learned - my conclusion, right? Well, my conclusion is: Hate is baggage. Life's too short to be pissed off all the time. It's just not worth it. Derek says it's always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong. So I picked a guy I thought you'd like. 'We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.'"
- Daniel Vinyard, played by Edward Furlong

The 'better angels of our nature' do not calculate, nor practice exclusivity or subtle preferences for their own kind. There isn't a need for a defined 'others' for us to feel secure about ourselves. There isn't a need for us to attain a certain level of education or wealth, before we feel that we can dole out common generosity, courtesy, respect and compassion on other people. This truth stands, that to judge others with the same yard stick as we judge ourselves, is to live up to the standards of the 'justice' and 'fairness' that a lot of people are and have been calling out for these past months. That is fairness - making a clamor to secure benefits for yourself at the expense of others, isn't.

sorries

2011-06-07T09:05:00.000-07:00

totally necessary to go through times where you're sorry to the world for being yourself...

but it's a bore being the only attendee to a pity-party.

i like what Zhangma shared during cell group last week though - periods of drought are necessary for a harvest.

and i think coming out of this taught me to not be so hard on myself... so that i won't be hard on others.

and that's a good thing.

frustrated

2011-05-06T04:00:00.000-07:00

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and for no reason

ok strangely that helped

asd'pfjoa s'ofjk a'
repi
:)

Jamie Pugh

2011-05-05T10:23:00.000-07:00

where there is fear, there is an opportunity to discover courage.

Playing the Enemy by John Carlin

2011-04-30T11:42:00.000-07:00

What a year for the 11th general elections to be held. Singaporeans seem to have taken up the cry for revolution that was sparked off by protestors in Egypt. I wonder if the fall of the economy in 2010 did not also bring down with it the implicit faith that the masses the world over, had in their governments. But this elections is more complicated than that. It's making me regret not taking a political science module this semester, that's for sure.

The large turnout at the rallies reminded me of the book, Playing the Enemy by John Carlin. In it, Carlin wrote an account of how Nelson Mandela worked for the eradication of apartheid in South Africa, from the time he was incarcerated through his first few years as President. He didn't just enforce policies to work towards that aim, he embodied the message he was bringing by forgiving his jailors and being the bridge between the Afrikaaners and the native Africans.

Mind you, the title doesn't bear any significance in this context. It just gave me an idea of the kind of government I want, and the kind of leader I would follow: one who would appeal to my better side, who would work with the welfare of the people at heart yet challenge the people to live unselfishly, with the country's welfare in mind. Yet, it is often true that the people deserve the kind of government they get. So... it starts with me. With us, the voters.

I hope I will be clearheaded, not emotional or reactive. Though it's hard not to be, with the opinions and experiences of your family and friends at the back of your mind.

Just another opinion in the sea of opinions we're drowning in right now. Just needed to get this out of my head and clear some space for my exams. :) Think it would be too much to push for the cancellation of exams? lol

people-watching

2011-04-23T00:53:00.000-07:00

I relish long bus rides, just as when I was younger and such bus rides signified a trip to some exciting destination. Now though, bus rides are a unique experience in itself. I like to choose a seat somewhere near the back door, where I get a good vantage point of what goes on in the bus. Then, I unplug my earphones, settle down and observe.

In the early mornings, the commuters are a hodgepodge of sullen schoolchildren with hooded eyes and skewed uniforms, housewives with their shopping carts on their way to the wet market, and young working adults in their shined shoes and crinkled office uniforms. My favorites are the retirees. Dressed in a simple white top, loose slacks, neat shoes and vintage suspenders, an old man who lives in my neighborhood boards the bus every morning without fail, to make his way to the nearby town centre for his breakfast routine. It makes me sit up a little straighter, when this stooped old man makes his way up the aisle with concise steps. Everything in his carriage and his attention to his attire, even on such a simple assignment as getting breakfast and the morning papers, spoke to me about self-respect and self-discipline.

In the late mornings, toddlers and their caretakers are the main entertainment. The more ebullient ones drum their fists on the window panes, squealing out commentaries of the passing scenery in the gibberish that only mothers can understand. There are also the shy ones who stare doe-eyed and transfixed when they catch the eye of a stranger, then grin abruptly and burrow their heads in their mothers’ necks. The ones who reach out confidently to grab your finger or to exchange an unspoken conversation of cheeky grins and poked-out tongues, have the ability to light up my day.

I often share the back of the bus with teenagers who seem to only gather in groups of at least three. There are the evocative ones who yell out their conversations, seeming to revel in the stares of fellow commuters as they joke, tease and curse. Sometimes, the more public-spirited ones think to share their music with the bus, blasting tinny rock music from their cellular phones and completing the free performance with head bobs and leg twitches.

Then there are the young adults who, with their earphones plugged in, stare off into space, deeply engrossed in their own thoughts. There are the rare occasions where I catch a young lady, secretly wiping away the tears that seem to slip out of their own volition – a glimpse of someone’s inner pain.

Long bus rides are slices of stolen time in the midst of the hustle and bustle of city life. Here, life stories can be condensed into snippets, to be viewed by the observant and understood by the imaginative. All it takes is for one to keep awake to enjoy them.

Perfect attendance

2011-04-20T12:44:00.000-07:00

My aunt on the far left, on a family trip to Malaysia.

Tay Beng Hay. I wouldn't say that she had no option but to live with us. Anything would have been better than taking up the role of permanent caretaker of a house crammed with 3 families and their brood of 9. Even if she were the spinstress aunt with little social experience other than the terrorizing first (and last) day of primary school, I'm sure there were options.

I can picture it though, how she would have shrugged her shoulders in that resigned way of hers, and bowed her head to a life she was familiar with. Laundry, home-cooked meals, quiet hours spent staring into space.

Till now, I couldn't say if we brought her more joy or pain. There are vague memories of her quiet presence during spontaneous performances by the organ or the piano, and then the subsequent low humming that signaled her appreciation for our music. A wan smile or two sent our way as we clustered around birthday cakes or the odd, random occasions where she went around distributing candy bought from her meager savings. I don't remember if she ever accompanied those gifts with words. No - not even an admonishment to listen to our parents, be good and all that jazz. With a whisk of her skirt, she was gone to the next cousin.

A majority of the time though, she was a present but minor feature in the chaos of my childhood memories. We certainly went out of our way to make it so. My elder brother and his partner-in-crime kept us entertained with their pranks: ants in the ice cubes, watermelon seeds in the kettle, monitor lizards dangling by their tails and then dead in the garden (to be dug up periodically for our weekly bio lesson on decomposition)... Then there was my particularly troublesome younger cousin who upended the lunch she cooked on the floor in a tantrum. War games in the living room. Quarrels, any variation of gangs and turf wars, tears. Heads stuck between stair banisters (that was memorable). A plastic snake in the garden during a family barbeque...

These episodes were often followed by the dreaded caning sessions (except the rare occasions where the adults remembered their sense of humor). I knew of one time where she tried to shield a cousin from such a beating. I only heard of it though - we were all too terrified to find any humor in watching it played out. Till today, I figure her as the faithful witness to the drama of our memories as children. I guess we all needed someone to perform to, and someone who would shed the tears and wring their hands when we paid for our mistakes.

The only time where she played a focal role in any of my childhood memories, was the time when she got back from the hospital. Cancer, third stage. She'd hidden the fact from us - but she must have known. I still don't understand why or how she could do that - embrace the fact of impending death so determinedly. But it seemed to be the only way she ever faced life. If there was one thing that could be said of her, she showed up for life and took all that life ever dealt her uncomplainingly.

Today is her 11th year death anniversary and I hope that this will be a fitting, though long-delayed eulogy. She taught me through her life, in this age where we are constantly recreating ourselves, that it is often enough to just be yourself and just be present 100%. That is her legacy, and I know she loved us because she did that. And I am thankful for the childhood she helped make.

celebrate: the human project

2011-03-27T13:06:00.000-07:00

Spent a Sat afternoon standing at a corner, watching a weird mix of people walking up to the stage and delivering 15-20 min speeches at TEDxNUS talk. And I thought, these are the doers, these are the people who weren't afraid to fail. Whether they made the right or wrong decisions, something great had to come out of what they persistently endeavored to do... because they put their ideas into action.

And it made me think, Jo, if you didn't fear anything, what would you do?

I would stop criticizing, because I would realize that life is too short to try to control what others do.
AND I would start celebrating people, because that's what gives me energy to do what I need to do.

The funny thing is, when seen in the right light, people's faults become endearing and you can actually say that there is a beauty in our imperfection. The only thought that all my reading boils down to: "What is man that You are mindful of him,Or the son of man that You take care of him?" as quoted from Psalms.

Well, I'm gonna spend this year finding out.

2011-03-24T06:27:00.000-07:00

time out

2011-03-18T08:31:00.001-07:00

I need to start living my life pursuing the things I love, not just living it to resist what I don't like.

Rethink.

Rethink.

The world isn't going to stop for me.
And it feels good to drop out of things and just stop.
And ask why.
It's a redundant question - I know the answer.
I think, I just need to hear people say it.
So that I know I'm not alone thinking like this.
But then, I think I gotta get used to being alone.

I know God will find me.

to twirl

2011-03-18T08:02:00.000-07:00

Thought of You from Ryan J Woodward on Vimeo.

I study because...

2011-03-12T10:06:00.000-08:00

1. I wanna see my parents grin and mouth the words 'graduate with honors'... then go research what honors mean.

2. Whether I like it or not, everything I do reflects my attitude. Excellence, discipline, perseverance, committment... they go beyond emotions.

3. I wanna be able to say to my children that I did my best... without being hypocritical.

4. I really wanna get something out of this semester... even if what the Profs are trying to teach gets lost in translation sometimes.

5. No matter how disillusioned I get about reality, I do believe in the importance of education. Just that maybe I've learnt to be more flexible about the forms it takes...

6. If I can't do this simple thing now, then all the big things I wanna do in future = hot air.

so... somehow I'm gonna make something out of this last sem.

frankly, i do like the challenge. :)

epic week

2011-02-25T11:00:00.000-08:00

this week was epic because... (sounds like the start of a primary school journal entry... but do i care?)

1. no matter how different we become, wombmate and I will always faint over the same movies.

2. of homemade meals and gifts... :''')

3. my birthday was more important to my friends than it was to me. they had to wake me up for it!

4. Jang made me a CARD! and took us out for dinner though she was tired :) it was nice being able to talk and be totally insensitive and immature to her and still be loved though... shoutout to Jang!

5. my mum may not say the right things all the time but i finally get her. Mum rocks.

6. my dad shook me awake with a "Happy birthday" then ran off before I was fully conscious.

7. all the friends who wished me their blessings for the year...!

birthday unwished

2011-02-12T07:37:00.000-08:00

words. :)

no books. no presents. just a note, an email... whatever.

i'd really appreciate thought more than anything else.

as for time spent catching up, my 23rd year is gonna be dedicated to that.

so don't let this day stress you out. ;)

if your reaction to this post is, 'when's her birthday again?', know that i appreciate the thought but you don't have to find out ;)

because You are more

2011-02-10T10:26:00.000-08:00

Tenth Avenue North - You Are More from Provident Label Group on Vimeo.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

to us singles

2011-02-10T09:12:00.000-08:00

what with valentine's day & red & pink streamers along the walkways in school, i've been thinking about love.

it's funny how most of my friends say that now's not the time for them to commit to that significant other. i can't speak for them, but i think i know how to explain why i am one of the singles-by-choice(-and-circumstance).

honestly, as much as it boggles some people's minds, this is not one of the instances where women say 'no' when actually they mean 'yes'.

the Bible has always taught about how we cannot give if we do not receive. i realized just today that i haven't learnt how to receive love wholeheartedly. therefore, i cannot imagine myself loving someone else.

maybe that's why we always whole dear our first loves. it is probably the only time our hearts are flung wide open to taste love for the first time. hand in hand with that is the experience of the pain of rejection. we learn to calculate and measure out love. we weigh every word and action, trying to sieve out the motivations of others, learning to respond to people with our minds and not with the heart.

love accepts but it also expects. honestly, i expect too much while still learning to accept; i crave acceptance while struggling to deal with others' expectations. but then again, don't we all? so happy valentine's day to us (to whom this post applies) - because of the love of friends and family, we will grow with time. believe it :)

resolve

2011-02-09T10:36:00.000-08:00

"For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you." - Paul, in Romans 12:3

I've been beating myself up a lot lately. Gotta admit that I deserve my grades for my cavalier attitude towards my studies... though I can't say that I regret sacrificing the time for things I believe in.

But judgment has got to be balanced with faith. These past few days, I forgot what it felt like to believe. I don't want to get jaded, or feel like I need to do things I don't believe in just to survive and get ahead of others. Sometimes feeling foolish is the price to pay for committing to what you believe in...

"The more men have to lose, the less willing are they to venture. The rich are in general slaves to fear..." - Thomas Paine, in Common Sense.

I gotta keep remembering, where I came from, and not hold so tightly to things. What is reputation compared to a clean conscience? In the end, I really have nothing to lose except being able to live with myself.

"It's better to regret what you have done, than what you haven't." - Paul Arden

Yup, wisdom in the multitude of counsellors.

bullet points

2010-12-21T01:48:00.000-08:00

This week, I

1. caught up with my sis in one of the most agreeable discussions we've had, over something we disagree over, and

2. found out I've prejudices that I gotta make my peace with.

3. am easily stressed out by my family; haven't been spending enough time with them.

4. am becoming my mum.

5. need to 'relac one corner' more & see what happens.

6. have been constantly asking how and why anyone would undertake such a massive responsibility as bringing up children.

7. realized why I don't like to sleep. Haven't had a good dream in a while.

8. realized I really need to do what I say I believe in, and rely more on God.

9. threw my hands up at ever being able to use logic to overcome prejudice.

10. enjoyed hanging out with my cousins more than I ever have done.

11. learnt to like Monopoly Deal... only because I almost won. ;)

12. learnt that cold really is all in the mind. Except when you bathe, then it's real.

13. decided that I need to become more like a friend to my brother.

14. became just a little more honest with myself.

15. shall start making my new year resolutions.

family dynamics

2010-12-13T21:29:00.000-08:00

I think I finally understand what used to get me down about family holidays, especially the month-long types squeezed in a single house with 3 other families you were happy talking to once a month or so.

It takes getting used to seeing your mum as someone else's sister, or to see your aunt being chided on child-caring techniques by her older sisters. And personally, to be a dutiful daughter, my brother's keeper, a shopping companion and just wanting to curl up and read something, takes decision to face it all cheerfully.

Still, I'm grateful for this chance to catch up with relatives from another country, another culture and upbringing, as well as my own family. If anything, it's freeing to do all this in another place where the only work demands can be contained in the laptop. Out of sight, out of mind. :D

Learning how to be 100% present. Had a conversation with my bro where I said whatever I'd wanted to say for the last year, in 5 minutes. Maybe we don't need more time, we just need to do more important things with it.

Not in the mood to get down to that essay assignment thingy today. Gotta run or do something soon! Getting restless :/ Wonder what people in Singapore are up to...

the need for Jacks of all trades

2010-11-30T11:10:00.000-08:00

Saw this quote on Jeanzei's desktop:

"The nation that draws too broad a difference

between its scholars and its warriors

will have its thinking done by cowards,

and its fighting done by fools."

- Thucydides, 431 BC

Am I a coward? I hope when it comes down to a fight, I'd have the courage to roll up my sleeves and get in the thick of things. :) I hope that for all of us soon-to-be graduates. The world certainly needs it.

buzz

2010-11-30T08:58:00.001-08:00

Aunt Karen just called mum to discuss plans for the trip to Whistler.

awesomeawesomeawesome... no matter how cold it gets, and how early the sun sets, snowboarding will be worth it all!

but seriously i'll be missing everyone in Singapore. i'm already feeling homesick every night thinking of all the things i'll be missing... no, check that, trading for time spent with family. :) no regrets, just... yeah. :'D

thinking... i really wanna go for habitat for humanity. that's what's been keeping me off from the job hunt. but then i think of my parents, and i think that's selfish of me.

i wish i didn't have to worry about money... so that i can give it to where it's needed. however 'World peace'-ish that might sound, it really doesn't feel good saying sorry, i can't, i'm broke.

another random post marking procrastination... i should be studying now... BUT in my defense, this exam is seriously TOO drawn out. put me out of my misery nowwww plssss

lol for all the 'existential angst', i'm really excited. snowboarding! ohme. :D

wanderlust

2010-11-29T19:12:00.000-08:00

The Road Not Taken

by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

angst

2010-11-24T10:17:00.000-08:00

hormones are powerful things. i need to find back the joy i had before i knew things, despite knowing them. i can live with the tension - i just need more of You, even if it means more of it.

some things are just not worth it

2010-11-17T11:05:00.000-08:00

every decision comes at a cost. out of the various choices open to you at any one point in time, your commitment to ONE costs you the potential benefits from other choices. So at what cost are we willing to pay for fame, money, stability, satisfaction?

the social network movie made me angry. i will not venture to comment on the real characters of the portrayed actors involved - it's not my business anyway. but what 'parker' and 'zuckerberg' did to 'saverin', and making that comment about the borrowed $19,000? low blow man...

nobody ought to be treated like that. no matter what they did or did not do. period.

and it made me think how much we can get away with, hiding under the glorified cause of 'living passionately for a dream'. does it have to come with the price tag of relationships & human dignity?

what right does anyone have to elevate himself above others (that 'farm animals' comment still rankles) based on the premise that he is self-made, that every distinguishable accomplishment so far is all to his own credit? can anyone truly say that he can live independently from all other humans?

whether or not anyone has directly contributed to your project, they should be given credit in some way or another for indirect contributions. even adversaries teach you something. we are all made of other people's sacrifices, from the freedom and rights that we own, down to the clothes we wear.

the size of one's heart is dependent on whether he can respect another person, regardless of how much that person can benefit him. it's a tall order but the first step in that direction is simple appreciation of anyone's effort... the ability might be lacking, but the thing about being human and not machines is that intentions and motives, and love (no matter how inadequately expressed) do count for something.

cathartic release. :)

a father's heart

2010-11-16T00:03:00.001-08:00

prezi!

2010-11-11T07:59:00.000-08:00

"Boredom is the brain casting about for new information. It is the feeling you get when there are no new patterns to absorb."

Ralph Koster, A Theory of Fun

grow up

2010-11-10T11:53:00.000-08:00

how about that, this late bloomer is all ready to grow up. :)

this past week has been a lot about reflection. questioning what i want, and who i am. definitely, like every well-trained singaporean, i thrive under high pressure. getting a kick out of a long and impossible to-do list, rushing a report and presentation within the span of 24 hours, running around singapore on errands... there is a lot of satisfaction in that.

but in one sentence, a classmate summarized what i needed to hear: singaporeans need to learn to slow down.

'living in the tension of life'? i meant that. we will always need to stay in the middle of an 8-spoke wheel (Native Indian analogy), balancing between enjoying the present and having a drive and passion for the future.

i think it's a good thing that i like myself less, and let my opinions matter less during this time. i need more room in my life for God!

feet on the ground, and arms stretched high - that's how i wanna grow up.

something's gotta give

2010-11-01T15:06:00.000-07:00

love this quote from Pastor Ulf Ekman:

"Be an authentic Christian.

Meaning you acknowledge the suffering that you need to go through,

but you still do it."

It gets me thinking, what does it mean to overcome?

What is power?

I guess this may get a bit technical. But Physics-wise, it's not the size or weight of an object that makes it destructive. But if an object is moving with great momentum, or speed, its potential for destruction, or breaking through suddenly exists.

And it is that drive and inner momentum, a motivation, a sense of destiny and purpose - that gives us the victory over our situations. However you call it, it's all God. It's all Him.

Our own ambitions and motivations fizzle out in the end. Because we can only be noble and selfless to a certain point, before it all boils down to what we want. And when it's all about us in the end, well, it's easy to let go of things when we lose the passion or the reason to persevere & commit.

There has to be something more.

"We want more than this world's got to offer... and everything inside, screams for second life." -Switchfoot

the thing about sleep

2010-10-10T13:05:00.000-07:00

truth: once you stay awake past 4 am, there's no use going back to sleep. Not if you want to get up on time for normal life that morning that is.

so here i am, monologuing my hours till daybreak.

and being ministered by the likes of Jesus Culture, Switchfoot, OneRepublic...

i'm serious guys, let's form a band. If only for the joys of banging away and focusing all energies to something more positive than... ranting... complaining... ;D

Alright, back to work!

To whom shall I run?

2010-10-10T12:52:00.000-07:00

if we would just be still

and accept the love

not from an estranged creator

or a God on holiday

but from a Father who begot us in His imagination

and birthed us

even knowing our weaknesses, failures and rebellions.

i wanna live on this love.

quality conversation

2010-10-05T14:12:00.000-07:00

Was just talking to a friend - interestingly, on the topic of writing. Strange how the faster you try to grow up, the more you realize that who you really are could very well be epitomized by who you were as a child. Or maybe it was the intensity by which we, as children, believed in things.

Like how I believed that I would one day be the youngest person to author a book (hey that's what kids do alright, dream!). I remember how I'd save up money to buy paper, and how the collection of fresh pages would get me excited about my next short story. There was the endless days of poring through books... then reading through them again and again to get something new from the pages. Then Christopher Paolini penned his first book, Eragon, at the age of 15. And I dropped that dream.

Same with animation. Same with dancing. Same with music. It makes me think what I'm actually driven by? I'm glad I dropped those dreams then, if my motivation wasn't right. It reminds me of Coach Carter's comment, "What gives you the right to taint the game that I love with trash talk and taunting? What gives you the right to wear Richmond on your chests and act like punks?"

In the end everything we do, isn't gonna just affect ourselves. Granted it's cathartic to just let loose and 'be real'... and we always wish that our audience would be mature enough not to be stumbled or led in the wrong direction by what we write... but sometimes it's better to hold back when the only thing you know, is how much you do not know. I mean, how hard is it to mouth off - sometimes we don't even think through what we say, and analyze if we really mean it? Anyone can do it.

In the end it doesn't come down to the intellect - how well-rounded, or cogent, or persuasive your argument is. In the end it boils down to your intentions, motives and attitude when you write. And that is why I still don't hold with spending a whole lot of time on the Internet. I need to see the faces, the gestures that accompany the words - the intangibles are another language in themselves. It takes great acting to hide the message in body language - and besides, I'd rather hear geniune laughter than distinguish the nuances between a laugh (haha) and a laugh in caps (HAHA).

"I want to spend the rest of my life alive!" - Switchfoot

I'm also going to seemingly contradict myself by saying that I want to return to writing again. Like we learn in church: write it down. With my head in a whirl 90% of the time nowadays, I guess it's the only way to grasp some permanence for my thoughts.

Alright, signing off. The abovementioned head-whirling's happening now.

Blasting it loud

2010-10-05T11:37:00.000-07:00

Jang, you'll like this! ;)

why i do the things i do

2010-09-24T07:56:00.000-07:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our dark that most frightens us.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people don't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine as children do.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own lights shine,

we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others."

- Timo Cruz, from 'Coach Carter'

LOVE

2010-09-19T09:01:00.000-07:00

When I got to the lowest I can get (back to that one thorn), this verse:

1 John 4:8
"He who does not love does not know God, for God is love."

Because the first thing you do is to stop loving, and that is scarily quite easy. And I thank God that He is GOOD. He gives and He takes away BUT just because of who He is, it keeps me from walking away.

Love is the only reason for sacrifice. And sacrifice is sacrfice, because we cannot comprehend why anyone should do so.

I just got to remember that no one else could ever sacrifice as much as God did. Meaning: stop complaining, keep trying.

Unto God

2010-09-11T09:11:00.000-07:00

These few weeks have really been about walking out Col 3:23 for me. LOVED Pst Tan's message - it's so true. It's easier to 'have faith in the greatness of your own faith' than to have faith in the goodness of God.

Been having trouble sleeping the past few weeks. I'm in the midst of organizing a clean tech conference in school in super short time and limited resources - on top of that, my mind has to constantly change mode from project meeting to project meeting, to leaders' meeting to ministry to all the various other committments in cell group and my own committment to my family and friends.

I'm so thankful for the pre-semester post - it helped me remind myself that I have sat down, counted the cost, and agreed to commit. It's about burnt bridges and swearing to my own hurt now.

But after the word shared by Pst Tan, I was so released to know that I can truly let go of the burdens. Not because there's going to be less to do, but because despite everything, God is good. From the mercy of my fellow project mates, FYP professor (who reminds me of Sun!) and the favor and understanding of family and friends... without all these, it would be impossible to do what I have to do.

Col 3:23 (NIV)
"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men,"

Most importantly, every project I have needs to be approved by God. After that, there's absolutely no doubt that things will pull through. A lot of pain, but gotta just put my mind towards the purpose of it, and rise up beyond the stress.

Seriously, I've never been more alive, walking out what I believe :)

Switchfoot-ing

2010-08-29T06:43:00.000-07:00

the tongue

2010-08-03T09:57:00.000-07:00

Psalms 50:23

Whoso offereth praise glorifieth Me: and to him that ordereth his conversation aright will I show the salvation of God.

First step: smile in the face of frustration. It's hard saying something hard and cynical when your mouth's in a crescent-shape - funny phenomenon of nature.

for Singapore & CHC

2010-08-03T09:52:00.000-07:00

downloading

2010-08-02T09:17:00.000-07:00

hey guys, i've purchased downloads from Attributes' online www.sermonvault.com for

1) Honor's Reward sermon by Pst John Bevere;
2) Righteousness & Mercy sermon by Pst Tan, 20th June 2010; and
3) The Book of James by Pst Tan couple of weeks back

I've up to 2 more downloads of each sermon left - let me know if you want it (wait for the magic word... FREE) and I'll forward you the link and my account info. =D

switchfoot dancingfoot

2010-08-02T09:15:00.000-07:00

I wanna wake up kickin & screamin... ... GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS GOOD!

says it all

2010-07-29T10:55:00.000-07:00

crazy livin

2010-07-25T19:55:00.000-07:00

I think I've lost the taste for a holiday where I can just slack off - because I can't even enjoy not doing anything anymore! But that's not necessarily bad - I really need to gear up and be 100% present with my body, and not spaced out in books and ideas all the time. Let's call it taking a leaf from Jangsta's book. Haha.. shoutout to the most enthusiastic-about-life, can-do gal I know! =D

Been meditating on the Book of Luke. When you go through dry times, or times when you have to wait patiently for an answer, Luke's a great book to study to seek out the personality of Jesus. Luke 6:1-11, about Jesus being the Lord of the Sabbath. Everything, Everything is really about Jesus. It's hard to be a 20-something, stepping into independence, and not yearn for material things, be ambitious for the life we have been studying for, or the freedom to do what we want, go where we'd like. But doing all that, getting all that just doesn't satisfy anymore - not that I haven't tried, believe me. But just focusing on God, where everything I do, the purpose and motivation, is about following God's heart - it's like homecoming for my heart. And I'm wondering why it took me so long to come back to this first love. Letting go of a lot of pride I guess!

It's a good place to be. Because the semester ahead is going to be CrAZy! But I'm psyched for it in the nervousness-at-the-pit-of-my-stomach way, because I seriously don't see how I'll come out of it with a full head of black hair without God's help. OK, predominantly black hair. =) So it's winging the rest of my holidays and appreciating every minute to the max!

creativity

2010-06-29T10:12:00.001-07:00

A Lesson An MRT-ride Long

2010-06-29T10:02:00.000-07:00

It's true! Perfect love casts out all fear. Looking back, I realize that all the mistakes and offenses that others have made against me, have all been imperfections or differences of others which God has used to shape me. In that same vein, it must be true that God can use me whether or not I feel adequate or not, or even when I'm aware or not, to help others in one way or another.

Like what AR Bernard said, God is always working!

Understanding that God is a God who is always ready to give us a cleanup and a new slate each day... it really does away with a lot of limits I set upon myself. Some maybe well-intentioned, not wanting to be a stumbling block, not wanting to say the wrong thing... But people are tougher than we think, and we aren't doing it all on our own. God is always there to be more than sufficient for our weaknesses.

That said, thanks God for teaching me mercy, and to listen more than I talk. I think I still need practice though.

awesome

2010-06-28T00:08:00.000-07:00

she was yesterday, I am now

2010-05-09T08:24:00.000-07:00

Rest is more enjoyable when I've really worked.

I definitely could do with more prayer, more listening to where God wants me to go. A lot of the time, my heart is in one place, but duty calls in another.

Whatever it is, a simple regime has helped me this week - setting aside time everyday to thank God about something, learning to look at little things in a different way, not despising the small things =)

I don't know what got me started on researching on random things I always wondered about but never got around to finding out (actually, I know, lack of work. But I've learnt to shut up and enjoy worklessness sometimes =)). The Holocaust is one example.

Wow - it really got me thinking how good we have it. No matter where we are now, we are always better than the generations that have passed us - because even though we have let go of a lot of romanticism and idealism, values, chivalry, honor etc., it is in pursuit of collective knowledge.

(For example, Knowing that discrimination based on any aspect of an individual is unfounded. Can you imagine being hunted down just because you have the trademark eyes of a Chinese, for example? I mean, how in the world are you going to change that?)

We seriously have so much to be grateful for! Just randomly join Jean, Sean, Timothy, Joseph and K Luon for Iron Man 2 the other day and came across this photo exhibit on the Little Sisters-Nepalese girls of various ages, who are educated only because of the sponsorship of more affluent people. They really do their homework - they utilize every moment of sunlight. And it got me thinking about how much I complain about engineering etc. instead of finding out why I'm learning something.

I realize I don't like to just be dissatisfied with where I am - it's a start, but I want to have somewhere I can go towards. And I guess what I've learnt is that I just need to take that first step forward and find joy in the whole process of failing and succeeding all over again. Just living.

feeling at home

2010-03-21T08:56:00.000-07:00

i just wanna start it over - in a good way =) taking the good and leaving the bad, just redoing this whole mindset of how limited and undeserving and etc. reasons why i shouldn't/can't chase after the things in my heart.

i seriously don't get why Alice in Wonderland got the criticisms it got! loved it to bits. was seriously craved for entertainment and society this week but i shall not complain because i love being tired-but-happy =) the movie made my week! i totally love Alice & how she dared to break all the limitations society and she had set in her life!

it's true, boldness comes from the Holy Spirit.

anyway, proof of switchfoot awesomeness:
(ehhh can't embed...) check out 'This is Home' by Switchfoot, official music vid!

warmed up

2010-03-11T09:29:00.000-08:00

lol it's almost halfway through my industrial attachment (I finally realized IA & Internship aren't the same! O.O hmm) & I'm finally getting warmed up to the people there & the oh-so-quiet-working-environment. Finally dared to whip out my earphones & get onto Youtube for my music fix. With a lot of looking over my shoulder. HAHA.

I think IA kinda made me discover a lot about myself. I'm a workaholic! OK, as in, I don't LOVE the serious office, with everyone's expression carefully blank & kept fixated on their screens (it's a small office so the boss sees everything). But I really prefer work than school. Obviously I miss shopping & being able to complacently be late for my appointments... AND I get updated about my friends' life through blogs - and not even frequently at that!

Guess I'm really learning a lot...and it makes me feel like there's a point to working hard? Like coming out into the workplace, you really discover how 4 years slogging in Uni is significant only for the honours you get. At least for engineers, you start from almost-nada against when you're employed.

Anyways, have to get back to work - so summary: loving Switchfoot, lacking sleep, still feeling happy =) TGIF!

Life!

2010-02-20T07:47:00.000-08:00

nononono don't wanna become a working hag - getting tired so easily, not enough exercise & outings.

treatment for the soul

> go to the National Museum for the 'Quest for immortality - The World of Ancient Egypt' exhibit (Free admission for students; Adults - $15 excluding SISTIC fees)

> watch a GOOD movie, but yeah, now's not the season. maybe a good arthouse film? (where do you go to watch those?)

> sentosaaa

> good italian meal. good defined as value-for-money. no, cheap. yeah. hahahah

> acrylic paints

> painting paper

> mushy letters XDDD

> pedicure (i have old woman's feet :( )

> reverse bungee! need 3 more takers on this ;D

time

2010-02-10T09:22:00.000-08:00

can't wait for this whole season of driving to pass. at first try.

climate change

2010-02-09T09:02:00.000-08:00

is it just the weather or is it just me - keep slumping into a coma at 10.15pm - it's been like this for 2 days straight. and it's not as if i get real good sleep! AND i keep not-calling Cel - sorry! ><

lol. i'm not like playing up on my age to make ppl feel bad - but i think i've finally passed that time where i can just go ahead with any plan and expect my body to just hold out on me. what with work and everything, it's become essential that i get my sleep on sunday to avoid feeling like i need to catch up on it throughout the rest of the week. boohoo. haha at least i finally understand what gives with commuter attitude in the morning. hope i don't morph into that!

celebrated the boss' birthday in office today. think it's realy hard for expats to work in singapore sometimes - the working attitude of singaporeans is really quite different in general, and it takes the most outgoing of people to get themselves fully integrated with the singaporean crowd, language and culture. we just don't go round making the point to work as a team (the whole company, like not just within departments), interact with non-peers with the aim to making relationships... funny!
gotta make a change there! ;D

out of touch

2010-02-07T09:29:00.000-08:00

Wow. Just caught up on others' blogs (can i say this, KL, Jang, Mic, LK, Jean, JX... etc.) u guys write really well!

I keep complaining about how engineers just don't touch language anymore 'so what'd u expect'. Hence, everytime I remember I have a blog, and go to all the trouble switching on the lappie & going through several tries with the password (pretty telling.), just clicking 'New Post' is enough to wipe your mind clean of any coherent thought.

So. gotta practice practice practice. So don't mind me when this blog just becomes a litany of what I ate and saw and did cos I don't wanna become an online editor of "Joanne's opinions - Get yours' today" anyway. ;D

Anyway, just wanna say during these weeks leading up to Arise & Build, truly it's been hard to keep yourself on a faith-high. Revelation is needed every step of the way. It's true, the moment you start working and get more money coming in, it's just harder to give. But these few weeks have also been a time where I realize I got so much wealth that can't be measure monetarily - there's quality time with family, energy to catch up and most importantly open doors into the lives of my cousins.

I'm gonna commit to giving, to get those facilities, those seats (more seats, less need for booking and less frowns XD) and those hangout places where we can all fellowship without checking for closure time - from imagination to reality. Because I see my family & friends there. And I really wanna see that vision come true.

headbobbobbobbob

2010-02-07T08:08:00.000-08:00

Bigness

2010-02-06T10:41:00.000-08:00

I dunno I've been thinking... sometimes it's good for people to be domineering - yeah, you get things done, the world is enriched by opinion, what needs to be said gets said. BUT somehow I feel that it expands you to not always put your own opinion at the forefront.

The cliche that it takes 2 hands to clap, is true for every situation. Seriously. Things turn from wrong to right, when the situation turns in your favour. Isn't that true? I dunno, there's always a time to go with your heart, say what you feel, be who you are etc. etc.

And there's always a time to choose.

2010-02-05T07:39:00.001-08:00

there's change in the wind. =)

gogogo

2010-01-31T07:50:00.001-08:00

Ok, finally warmed up to 2010 (Jan's over..?!)...

Teach us to make the most of our time...and make our efforts successful. Yes, make our efforts successful!
-Psalm 90:12, 17

I think, what with considering Aunt Angie's life testimony, and turning 22 soon, and spending some time listening to my younger cousin talking about his 16 years' worth of life philosophy... 2010's the year where I want to breakthrough!

Somehow it feels like the last few years I've been wanting to want the vision of God for my life and that's all I've been doing. It's really encouraging to flip open a book, and have these words jump out at you:

'The desire of most people is to live a life that counts. This is a right and godly aspiration. It's was Moses' request in the above prayer. He began by asking for wisdom to make the most of time...The fact that [the phrase, "make our efforts successful"] was repeated twice in Scripture shows it is not only God's will for us to succeed, but He is passionate about it. He is the one who has placed emphasis on it.'

'We were created to be successful. God wants our life to be significant! It was God's desire first, not ours. He makes this known throughout Scripture."

"In order for you to build a life of eternal significance, you must do it through godly wisdom, and that is what this message is all about."

- Driven by Eternity, by John Bevere

When Jean & I were encouraging our cousin who's entering JC soon, I was silenced by how much I could apply the same words of encouragement to myself. "Aim high; don't be scared of failing; you can do it."

Yup, now's the time to receive and say, Yes, Amen! & just do it.

Working

2010-01-11T09:09:00.000-08:00

Tuition job

2 China girls (P2 & P4)

English only

$30/hr for 2 hr/session

preferably 2 sessions/wk

(usually separately tutored)

1st day of internship - what can i say. think i got one of the better jobs - good working hours, small company, nice people, relevant job experience, surrounded by good food (Amoy & Lau Pa Sat! & starbucks!) & salary that makes me smile :D

reading blogs really convicted me about being more optimistic and hopeful for 2010 - attitude sets the course for the year! thank God that He's alr sent someone to meet my need for work pants (Thanks Sally!) so i don't have to totter up and down buses on my way to work!

tomorrow, slippers! :D

2010

2010-01-01T06:23:00.001-08:00

How to be a bigger person:

1. Look up, Aim up, Dream big
2. Keep feet on ground

holiday plans

2009-11-30T06:15:00.000-08:00

browse and stock up bookshelf!
draw draw draw (10,000 hours!)
guitar & driving lessons
shopping (christmas!)
readddddddddd
only 8 hours sleep max...
so much joy, so little time =]

when i should be studying

2009-11-29T06:05:00.000-08:00

wow i think teachers make a big difference. just thinking about this prof i have who teaches about air quality control, and my whole attitude about studying for his module is totally different! now to translate that to other modules...

By Your Side - Tenth Avenue North

2009-11-17T16:51:00.000-08:00

pick it up

2009-11-03T09:21:00.000-08:00

It ain't hard to feel this way:

But God:

pray somemore

2009-10-27T07:34:00.000-07:00

My geog prof showed us a disturbing video today (this is the first module that has me cringing everytime the prof says "we're gonna watch a video today"). I think most of us have seen it or some versions of it - "Earthling/s", an inside look on how we treat animals in our modern society. I appreciate that he allowed those who felt uncomfortable, to leave the LT, and allowed us to make our own minds up about what we saw. True, it's never about indoctrination or forcing you to take up a view. It's making available the knowledge and information and allowing people the chance to make their own decision.

I stayed even though I had some inkling of what was gonna be shown & I always avoided viewing this kinda scenes of animal abuse etc. shown on youtube/facebook. I mean, who seeks out a guilt trip right? But something the narrator said, "If we all could see behind the scenes, we would all be vegetarians." and there was a trust there, in the moral responsibility of the viewers, that if we sat through the documentary, we would make the right choices. So I stayed.

I think no matter how many times you read about murders, rape, and the things we do, seeing it graphically in motion just hits the message home. I found myself stunned by what the Bible means by the 'evil' that is in the heart of humans, that we are capable of not just violence, but unnecessary harm inflicted on animals to vent anger, or derive pleasure from. Yet I asked myself, if I were placed in the same job environment, with virtually no future prospect but to slaughter thousands of animals as part of making a living, would I be able to stand there undamaged mentally and emotionally?

Whether we think things through or not, no matter how we try, we will live a life where every action and inaction impacts somebody, something or the environment that we live in. I found myself asking God, how am I to engage and be shrewd in all the dealings of our society now, yet fundamentally reject almost every value that is upheld. A sense of justice obviously isn't the answer: you can act but you'll find it almost impossible to be fair to all parties. I certainly don't want to be a pro-animal-rights person at the expense of honest, working people. And I just simply don't want to go around angry and thinking that I have to, can or should carry the weight of huge issues on my back.

What then? Try going vegetarian? Sure, but that's just the practical, physical thing. What kinda person do I become after watching something like that? I don't know, but I sure don't wanna stay the same. I think life's too short to go about it wrong continually, and not keep seeking to improve and admit I'm wrong.

New things

2009-09-18T07:25:00.000-07:00

late'bloom'er: someone whose talents or capabilities are slow to develop.

There's a great difference between mouthing something and getting it into your system. This week was crazy - in a good way! It's like my life is getting into motion, just by making a decision. Your outlook changes, you find yourself making more and more decisions that you've put aside for years, and you start hurtling towards that life you find God has been preparing you for.

Went for an interview, hoping to be succesful in applying for an NUS entreprise programme - iLEAD, that basically attaches you for 7.5 months to a startup company + a study trip for 2 weeks to Silicon Valley, U.S.A.! Don't ask me how I even got started being interested in business - I think it was a culmination of a lot of things - Starbucks, the Cultural Mandate that Pastor has been sharing with us these few years, and being increasingly exposed to so many real-life crises going on because of mismanagement/corruption/ignorance of businesses or governments in class.

Went to a 2-day seminar held by a CCA in NUS, Energy Carta, concerning Clean Energy and the prospects for students interested in that. It's really amazing how it's not just scientists and engineers who are passionate about the technological potential and the impact they will have on mitigating a lot of the problems we're having not only environmentally, but inevitably society and the problem of poverty and inequality. There were businessmen, entrepreneurs, engineers from such diversified fields (even mech. & electrical) and flying in from countries like Tanzania and India. It really got me excited to see that the push for sustainability that so many have undertaken even before the word existed 20 years ago, is gaining traction amongst people from diverse arenas of influence. A far-flung net works best. Regardless of the viability of human ideas (dependent on existing technologies), as long as there is a will and a vision to make things happen, there will always be a reason to hope despite the circumstances.

A student from a university in India chatted with my friend and I about our field of study, and why we signed up for this seminar (Another first at networking). He was diligently taking notes throughout the speeches/presentations made by the guest speakers and couldn't help observing that there were moments my friend slept. Afterwards, he made a comment that perhaps because we're from NUS, (having only to pay a highly subsidised amount to attend relative to him) that we don't feel it as strongly. Later on, whilst commenting on whether we were staying on for the Chevron competition for a 20-year, sustainable market plan, he said "How come you didn't take part? It's by your college."

Perhaps if I were not feeling the exact same way about myself having missed so many opportunities, I might have felt offended by his remarks. But how can I when they were right on the mark?

Our comfort zone is in our apathy; - don't care, don't aspire, don't take up more responsibility than is doled out - but that actually is an attitude of independence and isolation. We can pretend that we aren't affected by the larger forces of society, government, the global market and economics; plunge headfirst into the trends and fads of our age to try to define a lifestyle that is on our terms. But we don't know that we are fortunate, in Singapore, to be provided the opportunities to gather knowledge and the education to help us dig out the truth of things, the rare teachers who live to provide us the access to these knowledge, and the means to not just survive but to thrive while making life better for others. Apathy just means that we are literally forfeiting our chances to be part of something greater than ourselves.

So many times I hear my younger self being echoed by others, in their speech, in their aspirations or lack thereof, in their dressing, in their plans for the day - "I just want a simple life." We laugh at the China nationals for sacrificing a 'life' to earn a 5.0 GPA, not understanding that to be born in a country that sees an 18 million growth in the population, you have to fight at a scale Singaporeans will never have to experience, just to get by reasonably. I see it now, the need to be passionate in our youth, for a cause beyond one that directly caters to our own wants. I get it. Because if I don't stand up for this one, two, three things I believe strongly in, perhaps someone else will step up to the plate, but my life will be dictated by others because I choose to live by life on default.

Like Pst Phil said, there's this switch we can all turn on - just by making a decision. Faith.

life

2009-08-23T05:24:00.000-07:00

i've always toed the line.
wear the hats life gives you.
censor what you say because not everyone understands.
keep it in because not everyone wants to hear it.
change because you should be relevant.
give because your friend needs a shoulder to cry on.
do it because others are busy.

but
when my finances run out
when my strength fails
when my heart is sore
when i wish to have time aside
when i just need someone to take me seriously

it's hard to wait
and wait
for You to come to my defense

then i remember
how so many times i tested you
out of desperation
to ask for that one sign that you hear
you show up
you gave me rest from my tears
you held me up from the inside
instead of pity
you gave me empathy
you let me know that it matters to you
how i feel
even when i complain
and am filled with bitterness
you never tell me to suck it in
or tell me what's expected of me
you let me know there's space
in you
for me
a person like me
so i can find rest and a refuge
a covering for my weaknesses
that i might understand
and one day
do the same for others.
continue to help me
Lord.

Never Let Go

2009-08-17T20:03:00.000-07:00

Soundtrack of 'The Guardian', by Bryan Adams (ohmanohman been searching for this!)

Can you lay your life down, so a stranger could live
Can you take what you need, but take less than you give
Could you close everyday, without the glory and fame
Could you hold your head high, when no one knows your name
That's how legends are made
At least, that's what they say

We say goodbye, but never let go
We live, We die
Cos you can't save every soul
Gotta take every chance to
Show that you're the kinda man who
Never look back, Never look down
and Never let go

Can you lose everything you ever had planned
Can you sit down again, and play another hand
Could you risk everything, for the chance of being alone
Under pressure find the grace or would you come undone
That's how legends are made
At least, that's what they say

shrinking world

2009-08-17T09:11:00.000-07:00

this school year's really different - have been meeting old schoolmates, co-workers in some temp job that seems like eons ago etc. in part, it's the new school year for the guys in the same batch (no longer!), but guess the only common thing all students have no matter the faculty, is that rush for textbooks.

either way, if we play the Meet-a-friend game, I can give you competition YP! ;D

>< have to resort to searching for my core textbook online - because it costs a bomb in school!

What's in store this term:
Modules I'm finally interested in!
Passionate Profs. (yay)
Field trips in store!
Projects (hmm.)
Driving lessons
Too-e-shen

So this morning, I jumped out of bed and decided that Mondays are gonna be my Sabbath day! =) No more Monday blues for me. Jiayou guys for school!

God is Gracious

2009-08-15T03:53:00.000-07:00

i remember a message from Phil Pringle once, about asking and living by a new name given by God.
people's judgments and impressions and emotions - think this is really the season to start learning to live beyond that.
'Joanne' means - God is Gracious.
yeah, i'm not all that, neither do i have the means to attain a lot, neither do i have a lot of life experiences.
but by God's grace, and at the right time, i know i'll become who i'm made to be.

never give up

2009-06-20T23:01:00.000-07:00

Fave song in Darlene Zschech's solo album "Change Your World" =)

Never give up, never give in
Never look back
C'mon now my friend
You're not alone
The hope of tomorrow is calling

There's a brighter day
On the other side
But it's up to you to put back on your stride
So get up, step out, live it
Honey, don't you give up

It's time for you to start to breathe again
For the sun and the moon have never stopped
Shining on you my friend
I know you feel the world has passed you by
But the greatness in you is starting to rise

Faded dreams need to be recoloured
I know you've had it bad
But it's time to dream again
Write it down my friend
Make it plain oh yeah
That desire you hold
It will see the light of day

What's it gonna take for you to see
That's it's only the grace of God that will set you free
What's it gonna take for you to
Open up your eyes
Look beyond the skies

Never, never, no never give up!

fine lines

2009-06-19T13:18:00.000-07:00

Ecclesiastes 7:16 - 18

Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Do not be overly wicked, Nor be foolish: Why should you die before your time?
It is good that you grasp this, And also not remove your hand from the other; For he who fears God will escape them all.

What Pastor Tan said today's really true, being mature and freer and freer in God comes hand in hand.

There's a fine line between my own fleshly nature speaking, and common sense.
between fervor for God and actually obeying Him in the way He desires.
between doing what's right and being what's right.
between denying your emotions and directing it through the right channels.
between holy sorrow and a pity party.
between a wish for privacy and a double life.
between wisdom and being judgmental.
between arrogance and healthy confidence.
between a desire to serve and other motives.
between what you say and what you think.
between a healthy social life and compromising to peer pressure.
between loneliness and solitude.

so many of them
but I just need one source
sometimes people wonder that I would be so conservative about relationships
that's cos there's always two sides involved
you're simultaneously giving and taking
simultaneously generous and selfish
which side's stronger? is there balance? are you ready?
you can be open to possibilities
but always think think think
pray pray pray
before you allow your heart to take the plunge
cos you'll always have the reins of your heart in your hands
only you ever decide who rules it
love isn't blind to what's true
a wise person once said:
if you need a boyfriend/girlfriend
you ain't ready for one
cos you are YOU
someone with a destiny unique to yourself
not just a boyfriend/girlfriend
and if you haven't found that right source to live a fulfilling life already
then you don't have anything to give
beyond yourself
don't get me wrong
you don't have to be perfect to get attached
you just don't have to be attached to go on to perfection
don't get distracted
cos it's the anointing that draws the right one

at least
that's my opinion =)

legal nuah-ing

2009-06-08T06:52:00.001-07:00

I feel the need to justify my not getting a job these hols.

i) With year 3 looming, i realize that this hols is one of the last handful of holidays that I can fully enjoy, bumming around, working on mini-projects & things I like & which i will have to devote less time to when I get a job after graduation (FAITH!), enjoying student meals and cheap ways to be entertained.

ii) The only long-term source of income in sight for most students (alas I'm still working on talents that might help make me richer like this freelance designer i know...) is a tuition job. However, seeing as the oncoming sem will promise 6 modules instead of 5 and a steeper learning curve (i wonder why we resort to formal language and jargons to strengthen our argument), I don't wanna bring both my kid and me down due to poor time management, or just plain overloading on the system.

iii) Plus I really wanna pull my GPA upupup! =)

BUT that just means I gotta spend lesser and get over the wanting to shop. Not that there's much anyway. I just really wanna get a swimsuit and start swimming!

Pain

2009-05-31T06:39:00.000-07:00

Bought a Michael Kors watch with my birthday FOSSIL vouchers! =) Thanks Jas, Char, Sheryl, Amar and Liyue!!! =) And Jean-zei too for you GENEROUS birthday blessing =)

Still aching badly from completing the Sundown Marathon - who knew that just the act of walking could hurt so bad? I really admire people who run marathons - whether they're trained for it or not. To be able to RUN through a marathon takes physical discipline, to LIMP through the marathon takes mental discipline!

Think it's much needed sometimes to try things out and see where you stand - it was certainly beneficial to know how insignificant I was amongst the throngs of runners!

I highly doubt I'd do it again - but after this, truly, nothing is impossible. I'm glad at least I knew what being at my limits feels like.

looking up

2009-05-29T00:18:00.000-07:00

YAY got my results for the sem... 3 B+s, 1 A and 1 A-! =) Seriously pleased!
And received an email from a prof about a part-time job that allows me to work from home.. hope I can get a slot! =)
BTT test booked, and 5 driving lessons.
Now it's only the 42 km marathon to face down =)

First steps

2009-05-27T08:56:00.000-07:00

I found out why I don't like to read much during the hols! It's not because of some rebel complex, where I just have to do the opposite of what I'm supposed to do. It's the same as how we begin planning extensively for our holidays right after the first paper's done, mentally checking through our bank accounts (or conveniently skipping this step) and stopping to skim through the reports of Jeju Island, Cheap Holidays to Fit the Times etc. Reading for me stores up life lessons, gives ideas and inspires new activities to try out. The holidays is the green light for these words to become action..!

Actually, forking out money's a pretty good way to make sure all that talk and planning gets translated to something more. Paying for the Sundown Marathon for example. I think 50% of the effort begins now, spending minutes of the day (usually when a stray jogger pops into view as i'm staring out the bus) or night (cos some convenient excuse popped up again why I shouldn't jog tonight...) mentally imagining myself jogging (crawling, walking, limping???) past the finish line. Lol... faith to faith i think...

That's why I'm gonna pay the deposit to start learning driving TOMORROW (and blogging this down so I won't back out thinking about my bank account) and trust that God will provide ;D Either way I know I'd enjoy driving - it's just the getting there. Think I'm just gonna go with public school (seeing as how Shui Yong's private instructor speaks Chinese and I'm comfortable with structure anyways). Whatever the cons of driving (economy, prospects of getting a car), I don't wanna waste brain cells calculating - I just remember this dream I had about driving backwards down a slope and into traffic, very skillfully i might add, and it all becomes worthwhile. Though I certainly have no hopes of actualizing that scene!

I'm occupied with stories of British schools, Italian verbs, and how to get access to more films. I have to be more occupied with repairing the things I break around the house (just recently reminded not so friendly-ly), catching up with friends and improving these hols. =)

to Am

2009-05-08T20:13:00.000-07:00

I like getting up each morning with something in mind to do, and somewhere to go. Bearing that in mind, the fun of the hols though is to have unplanned days.

Was whining to Jean as she rushed her research proposal, that I was bored stiff. On the THIRD day of my holidays! I'd seriously expected my post-exams delirium to last me 2 weeks at least. Seriously. Haha... I know it looks like i'm doing the evil twin routine.

But roughly, hope to learn much more stuff these hols. Driving for one! On top of finding adhoc jobs and meeting up with friends =) Lol Am, this post is for u cos obviously I've not much to talk about! ;DDD

whacking

2009-04-30T19:08:00.000-07:00

Module: ESE2401 Water Science and Technology

Q: Name 3 main pathogens that impacts water quality.

Correct Answer: Cryptosporidium, Giardia Duodenalis, E. Coli

MY answer: Cystosporidiosis, Giardi Dynogenalis, E. Coli

...

I hope I get some marks for entertaining my examiner! XDDD

distraction

2009-04-30T10:34:00.000-07:00

by MelloLover on Deviantart.com

--> 'just a doodle' doesn't begin to describe this (!!!)

I really can't wait for the holidays to begin

Sketchpad's ever before me

Itchy itchy

Gotta stah-dee

today

2009-04-30T09:36:00.001-07:00

Yay! =) My tuition kid's out of her doldrums - it was amazing seeing the change in her. I remember when I had to spend a couple of sessions counselling and assuring her and her mother, that things would work out for the better... I definitely went out from there wondering if I could handle the extraneous responsibilities this tuition job seemed to require of me! I don't know what changed her mind - but I know that every good tuition session happened because I'd pray before I knocked on the door - be it outside at the lift lobby (Hoping no one suddenly popped out!) or in the MRT.

It's not that I LOVE teaching. But I think anyone with a love for something, like Dixon and his designs, Cel with her acting, Mic with her basketball, Tim with his love for marine life... you won't need to know how to teach, to want to impart some of your passion to someone. And I definitely feel strongly that no one should 'fail' in life, just because they may not be scoring well or can't grasp English.

Anyway, I'm just psyched that things are improving. =)

Something else happened today that really got me thinking. An elderly man came up to me straight at the bus interchange and asked for money, in very cultured English! "Excuse me, could you spare me $2?"

"Sorry, I don't have $2 (this is the honest truth!)"

"$1?"

Ok, I had that - and here's what got me. I said "No." And immediately felt horrid. I went home on the bus wondering why I should be feeling this way - he's able-bodied, definitely stronger than men I've seen slaving away as gardeners and cleaners; why should he do nothing and get something?

And I remembered Paul Scanlon's 15 minute revolution.

I wondered why why why my visceral response could be opposite from what I mean to do. It brought to mind how we've been taught to plan, to make decisions and adopt attitudes in anticipation of circumstances and things cropping up as opposed to reacting. It also brought to mind a certain verse Jang scribbled on my noticeboard, about hope and the Holy Spirit.

Sometimes opinions are formed and decisions made without conscious deliberation. That's how one grows hardened in the face of all the information and events happening. Well, if anything, it's a lesson learnt! =o)

Time:1228

2009-04-25T09:11:00.000-07:00

I think it's a gift when you want time to slow down and it really does. I wish it would slow down now - that I could zone out and be happy not doing anything but really, only 5 minutes have gone by.

Anyway, I definitely can't wait for holidays to begin. Haha.. they're the reason why I always look forward to exams - just get it over with already! But this sem's really been one of the better ones.. good profs, relevant classes & more time hanging out with my classmates & more time to be a student. Lol..

By Bofkin

Press on!

2009-04-21T20:07:00.000-07:00

D . i . s . c . i . p . l . i . n . e

The world lies at the feer of the disciplined.

Everyone dreams. But only the disciplined will accomplish theirs.

A dream without discipline is the pathway to frustration, anger and deep disappointment.

Even a dream from God has no guarantee it will come to pass.

Success of the dream demands discipline.

Start disciplined, stay disciplined, finish disciplined!

Disciplines are the way of life.

Morals, finances, attitudes, emotions, relationships, work, devotions; all require discipline to be healthy and successful!

- Phil Pringle

2009-04-19T06:37:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

If we can come through this age learning what's important in the end, then it's all worth it.

One Life to Love

2009-04-10T10:57:00.000-07:00

He never thought he cared so much about the minute hand
Until he started praying for a second chance
If he could only do it all again
He'd trade the long nights that he spent behind his desk
For all he missed
He tells his wife, "I wish that this moment in this room,
Was not me dying but just spending a little time with you."

You only get just one time around
You only get one shot at this
One chance, to find out
The one thing that you don't wanna miss
One day when it's all said and sone
I hope you see that it was enough, this
One ride, one try, one life to love

She never thought she cared so much about those little hands
That held on tight the day she left
Till she was scared to death
Sitting all alone on a hotel bed
The end of the road
The sun has set on her big plans
To feel young again
She picks up the phone, dials the number
Hears that little voice
that's haunted every single mile
since she made that choice

Win Some, Lose Some

2009-03-30T09:54:00.000-07:00

Just got a taste of how it must feel to be retrenched...or dumped by SMS. LOL.

See, I got a new tuition job supplementing a kid's other math tuition around 2 weeks ago. That's the duration I've to teach without pay.

I guess I wasn't being strict enough, or I took too long to warm up. But after rushing home from school today to grab a 10 minute dinner before heading out for tuition, having psyched myself up for it even though I was ready to just sit on the MRT floor to sleep, got a late SMS from the agency saying the tuition kid's father had decided to terminate my contract. Yeah, so just like that, no direct word from him or any communication, my 10 minute dinner wasn't 10 minutes no more.

In the end, it wasn't about the money really, but the way this sort of confirms stereotypes about Singaporean parents. But one thing in the midst of my disappointment with how this turned out (I should be glad for the time freed up), I thank God that at least, looking back, I've no regrets about not putting my all into something.

One thing that Lisa Bevere said, sometimes we tend to go through life holding back because we'd like to protect ourselves when we fail by saying, "hey, at least I didn't give it my all. I could have done better if i'd tried." I can totally understand that - it's how I went through my whole education till date.

But yeah, gotta know that putting yourself out on a limb is always a risk. But it's better to "have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all".

Alright, gotta go work hard for my grades ;D

Last month of Arise & Build guys, Aza Aza!

I want to be NEW

2009-03-27T19:29:00.000-07:00

Mark 2: 21-22 (NLT)

"Besides, who would patch old clothing with new cloth? For the new patch would shrink and rip away from the old cloth, leaving an even bigger tear than before. And no one puts new wine into old wineskins. For the wine would burst the wineskins, and the wine and the skins would both be lost. New wine calls for new wineskins."

What's the difference between those who receive miracles from Jesus (Mark 2:12) and Mary Magdalene, who was delivered from demons? More demons?
What's the difference between Levi, the sinful tax collector and one of Jesus' 12 disciples, and those who make up the background, perpetually at every healing scene, proclaiming and praising God (Mark 2:12)?

Broken in

2009-03-27T19:22:00.000-07:00

=) I was just remarking to Siok Teng, that I love this Semester the best of all! It's the first where I really feel integrated as an undergraduate, the first where I feel that the modules are challenging AND relevant (essential essential), and the first where I'd actually shoot of bed to get to the only 1 hr lecture for the day!

I'm officially broken in.

My advice? Don't fight it - plunge in with all you've got. You'll find it isn't as bad as you think.

Especially when you know Who's behind you. Cheering. =)

Stress

2009-03-17T09:34:00.000-07:00

It is best in times of stress, to stop and contemplate the source of it.
If my own expectations are behind it, then I've got to adjust it.
If it comes from people, then I gotta find that balance - to resist it or find another way to respond.
If it comes from the workload, meaning that there truly is more work than can be humanly done, then I gotta stand back and wonder if I would be happier if I didn't have this work to do.
There must always be time made to stop and check.
Every point of frustration is an opportunity to get a breakthrough in my mindset.
An opportunity missed means a round trip back to the same point.

Today, my breakthrough is in that I should never complain about having to use more of my brain. If I play hard, then it is only justified that I work as hard.

So... plowing on.

The Lives of Others

2009-03-15T09:26:00.001-07:00

Oh man, I didn't know what I've been missing on OKTO channel! ><

Awesome film: The Lives of Others
A German film in the Socialist age before the fall of the Berlin wall, depicting the ironies of the Socialist regime. It shows how the State observes and spies on its members suspected of anti-State activities... The most amazing scene to me was how, in this sterile building with grey walls and straight lines, there could be a room with files and files and organized folders based on every suspect's movements.

The film stars a writer who has come under suspicion, not for any idle word or joke against the State, but because his lover, a beautiful artist named Christa-Marie, caught the eye of a official, Hempf. A middle-rank officer, Wiesler, is sent to take charge of the full surveillance of the writer Georg Dreyman. Wiesler is meticulous; the bugs are everywhere, even in the bathroom. And he in turn occupies the attic above Dreyman's apartment, for half a day, listening and typing down reports on Dreyman's conversations and activities.

Dreyman, who initially wasn't outwardly anti-socialist, drew the admiration of Wiesler. The oral reading of prohibited Western poems, the playing of Beethoven's music on the piano, all seemed to justify the desire of the people to fight free of the fear imposed by the State. Wiesler finds himself drawn into the lives of the couple he is surveiling. When he discovers that Hempf accosts Christa-Marie every Thursday and 'rapes' her in his car, his first act of interference was to manipulate the electrical switches in Dreyman's apartment so that the latter would head downstairs to the main door and spy his wife exiting, ruffled and upset, from Hempf's car.

The drama escalates when Dreyman's beloved friend, a director black-listed by the State and prevented for years from directing, commits suicide. Dreyman writes on the prevalence of suicide in East Germany, and the irony of how suicide rates is the one number not tabulated in the country. He contacts a fellow writer earmarked already for his anti-socialist stance, and gets an opening to have his article published in a Western magazine, 'Spiegel'. Wiesler hears all this with growing apprehension, but in his reports, he fabricates a pro-Socialist play that Dreyman was supposedly writing. Everytime, he tells himself, just one more chance.

The article is published. All hell breaks loose. The State wants answers, and the pressure is coming from above. When Christa-Marie stops showing up for her rendevous with Hempf, the spurned official turns her in for drug possession. She is arrested, and she confesses that the article had been written by Dreyman.

In a bid to save Dreyman, Wiesler preempts his supervisor and removes the typewriter with its particular typeface which would indict Dreyman for writing the article. Christa-Marie is released on condition that she work as an informant. She is ordered to return to Dreyman and pretend to be surprised when officers from the Stasi come to search for the typewriter. However, her guilt drives her out of the apartment just as the officers uncover the hiding place. She does not see that the typewriter is no longer there. She dashes downstairs and steps into the path of a bus, commiting suicide in front of Wiesler.

Upon her death, the mission to indict Dreyman of a crime - any crime - is terminated. Wiesler, coming under suspicion himself for being uncharacteristically incompetent, is relegated to the low job of steaming open letters in the post for the next 4 years.

It is there in the office that a fellow worker breaks news that the Berlin wall has been pulled down. Freedom.

He walks out.

Freedom now comes upon East Germany. The arts scene is liberated. 2 years later, Dreyman sits watching a play. He exits, finding it unbearable to watch another actress reciting the same lines as Christa-Marie once did. Outside, he bumps into Hempf, who had exited for the same reason. There, Hempf reveals that Dreyman had been under surveillance and that Christa-Marie had come to him because Dreyman hadn't been able to satisfy her.

Dreyman discovers the bugs Hempf told him about. He heads for a new Department set up post-Socialism, where individuals are able to access the files once written about them, and information on the men who spied on them. There, he discovers the falsified reports protecting him, and Wiesler's part in saving his life. He discovers where Wiesler works - as a postman now, but something prevents him from making contact.

2 Years later, Wiesler walks by a bookstore selling Dreyman's latest novel - A Sonata For A Good Man. He enters and flips it open - he'd heard Dreyman play this song on the piano before. He is surprised to see that the book is dedicated to HGW XX/7, his codename and the one he used to sign off on every report made on Dreyman. Including that last report where his thumbprint smudged with Dreyman's typewriter's distinctive red ink, told Dreyman the whole story.

He buys the book. The cashier asks if he wants it gift-wrapped.

He answers, 'No, it's for me.' And then the smile of a meticulous man, a bit stifled perhaps, but playing a very important part in bringing down the regime which oppressed him.

:)

2009-03-08T06:53:00.000-07:00

The weeks ahead's going to be really busy... one thing i learnt though, not to let tomorrow's work get to you today. you do what you gotta do, and that's that, no point losing sleep over it.

still, having real awkward schedules =) like going running at 11pm. still have to train.

Life's full of deadlines... but when you choose not to live your life as dictated by the world - telling you how much you have to do before you're good enough - and see life off the beaten track as the great Adventure, as what you're made for, then it's going to be alright.

it's even going to be FUN. =)

gratis

2009-02-15T06:05:00.000-08:00

thanks Dad

for financial blessings
various hongbaos & birthday blessings
from a cousin that I didn't know cared so much
to offer to loan us through the remaining years
in university
for $90 worth of FOSSIL gift cards
and more importantly
the heart behind a handmade gift
that really made me feel valued
and LOVED
=)

for the wiring between a smile and
the heart
for joy being a decision
and not a reward to be earned
by being pretty
or talented
or intelligent
enough to deserve it

for good memories
and forgetfulness of bad ones

for time
and rightness
to do certain things
at certain times
despite the schedule of the world
and still have the promise
of a good future
as a gift
and a challenge
and your plan for me

for a surprise gift
that comes with age
even one day more
matters
- wisdom!
a good friend

for tears that heal
for pain that grows love
for love that looks in
for giving me courage
to change

Tribute To A Bear

2009-02-05T21:43:00.000-08:00

BER - my encouragement, inspiration, fellow wonderer and

the best hugger around!

I hate it everytime you leave...
BUT
Have a safe trip and term ahead!

privvy

2009-02-03T11:16:00.000-08:00

hmm... it's kinda ironic but i find myself really hanging for hours trying to post something. I guess some things you can only unload on a friend (or sister :D) and not on the web.

Blog construction not really finished... but I like the skin! (credits to bolong @ http://www.blogskins.com/)

Here's an early (probably permanent) wishlist for my 21st
(seriously though I prefer a surprise, like a gift from YOU =) So yeah, this can just serve as an indicator to things I like. No stress & thanks so much for even wanting to get me something.):

Vouchers: Borders, Attributes, Canon (for an ixus cam), IKEA?, topshop? Zara?

Cash (Saving up!:D)
Lunch/dinner date (just give a ring or drop an sms!)
Hoodie/jacket (check out prev. posts for e kuan4)
Sneakers/Dance shoes/Berks
Birthday hug!
Leather satchel (light brown =))
Laptop cover (A4) (quirky's good)

Yeeaahh that's about it I guess. =)

Hey I don't wanna hear of anyone losing a meal over this - even if you've to get the pirated version, just do it man. ;) Think I'd really love to spend the week catching up with peeps so do contact me if u're free!

Completely random

2009-01-29T09:56:00.000-08:00

http://inobras.deviantart.com/art/House-Brigantine-111107789

When you've absolutely nothing to do or you forgot what you were supposed to do while online, deviantart.com's a nice place to surf.

How ah... all the 21st birthdays coming up.. that's what's keeping me up RIGHT NOW.

presents.

timing.

packaging.

oh man cards!

touching touching must see tears =)

plus inexplicable, unprompted, automatic planning for future holidays SOMEDAY

hang-gliding (too much discovery living)

bungee jumping (too much sec 2 science)

caravanning in NZ! (I think Am brought this on.. lol)

at last, something do-able like next week

a day at the zoo.

I'm so gonna have weird dreams tonight.

Counting the Blessings of 08

2009-01-05T03:10:00.000-08:00

T . H . A . N . K . S !

Jean for being my sounding board, encourager, blesser, companion, friend, God's messenger to me throughout 2008. Even without speaking to you, I learn so much just by watching you live out your life mantra: love. Think God really placed you in my life to teach me how to view people in His way - this is not an exaggeration when I say that I see and find Jesus in you! May I be able to put to practice all you've advised me about in the year ahead! Love you & thank God for letting me have the privilege to be your twin =)

Mic for accepting me for who I am and driving us home when you can! I think what I learnt most from you is to pursue the things that needs done, for you to get a breakthrough. And I thank you for taking the time to draw us aside and unload what is important, and you feel is important for us to know. I treasure your advice and your straight-shooting ways a lot! I feel the love in your friendship because not only are you there through the fun times, but I can always feel the watchfulness of an older sister from you. Thanks Mic! My prayers are always with you! =D

Jang for your patient friendship. Though I often think myself contented where I am, you never fail to reach out to include me in your world of fashion and street wisdom - it has definitely colored my life and developed me a lot through the years of our friendship. Thanks for forging ahead through your obstacles, because you're really living for God when you can inspire people around you to dare to dream. Hope that this year I can add more into your life, though it can never add up to how much you've enriched mine!

Bean for your courage: because in spite of fear, you have grown to confront more, and because of your courage to hope in people and carry the atmosphere you're in, you're a real joy to be around! Thanks too for just being you and knocking me loose. Though I often react incredulously to the things you come up with, I'm truly, deeply amused by them. You are definitely one of the few people who can make me cry from laughing! I definitely need you in my life, not only because of the fun times, but because you do challenge me to engage with people and to be disciplined and passionate as you are when you run. For every grumpy moment and stubborn silence, I pray you'll forgive me! =) I'll work harder to laugh more! ;)

Jing xuan for daring to be yourself and loving me hard enough in the back scenes, so that I can feel it and witness it in every sermon that you write yourself, and every consideration for our spiritual growth. =) Even though I don't spend a lot of time interacting with you, but I'm impacted more than you know just by how you live your life - always pushing the boundary and flourishing under circumstances many give up in. Thanks for being a leader in every sense of the word!

Lou for your deep love for people. Thanks for your note encouraging me to be less grumpy in SOT, and for the file you bought me to cheer me up during the exam period! Thanks for having such a HUGE love capacity that allows me to unload and discuss things I don't often feel comfortable or free to talk about... I really learn a lot from hearing you share your testimony, giving advice and just really handing out words of wisdom and encouragement during fellowship and cell group. And I really admire the way you confront and face down new things and challenges =D Thanks for being you! I'll treasure the memories of SOT'08, and really looking forward to working with you in the year ahead =)

Sophie for daring to lead, daring to reach out and daring to teach. I don't know the fears but it definitely must be hard juggling a new job and a new cg. Thanks for believing in us and teaching us by setting an example - I really want to love God the way you do, with eyes shining and heart full of childlike faith. =) Looking forward to the year ahead with w489 and you!

Cel for being unabashedly you. You being stubbornly believing, optimistic and trusting in people. Despite whatever letdowns, there may be temptations to wallow and whine, but you never fail to pick yourself up and progress. I've seen such growth in you this year! Thanks for inspiring me to stick closer to God and to treasure and live life fully!

Nianying for your sweetness, humility and great serving attitude. You are always happy to render help, words of advice and anecdotes from your experiences, and never once have I seen you mean-spirited, no matter how many times you claim to have your grumpy moments. Truly you live out the verse where it calls us to live life thinking of others as better than ourselves, and it's always fresh to hang out with you, because you don't stay on the negative of things, but always act to improve or be the solution. YOU'RE AWESOME! ;D Knowing you and Cel are in NUS certainly brightens up the sems ahead for me!

Zhang for being that weird mix of common sense and nonsense. LOL. Seriously dunno how to explain that, but I think people who know you would know what I mean. Thanks for bringing a lot of honesty and straight-talk into my life - sometimes I may react 'violently', but I never seriously mean it in a mean way lah you, I'm just amused in the 'OH MY, can't believe you just said that' way that makes me wanna whack you. Yeah, just that. ;D HAHA okok i admit i gotta work on expressing non-violently. Still, thanks for inspiring me with your independence and fearlessness. I'm definitely glad for the chance to know you better through SOT!

Leng Kian for taking your stand to push for fellowship. I guess sometimes it's lonesome when not everyone shares what you value, but thanks for reaching out to influence all the same. Hope that others may continue to influence, impact and enrich your life with their experiences, no matter how different they may be from you. Thanks for being a sport, always allowing others to laugh at and with you and opening up your house and wallet for the sake of entertaining us!

Hengyi for daring to be yourself. Thanks for bringing laughter with you and really appreciate your efforts to organize get-togethers! Even though Jean n I like to make fun of you about being 'spiritual', want you to know that loving God comes in many forms, and your street-smartness and common sense really helped educate me and open my eyes to a lot of stuff. Yeah, though we joke about that, but seriously don't want you to become a super-spiritual flaky guy! And even though you may not know it, but your efforts to keep growing and improving and learning also inspire me to keep setting new goals for myself as well. Rock on! =)

Jasper for being so ready to laugh, and yet having that older-brother wisdom as well. It's very easy to click and talk to you, and really do wish that can have more chances to fellowship with you! =) Still, wish you well in other areas of your life which you're concentrating in! ;) Just wanna thank you for being ever optimistic - because you really do light up the place when you smile, and for really setting an example for us to always run back to God and to do so unashamedly. Love and admire you for that =)

Chee Ang for having such a good heart and teaching me to let go of labels and stereotypes. Knowing you and your passion for music has really taught me to soften up to the whole concept of clubbing, music and the lyrics. Thanks for passing on your passion and being passionate about God - it's a real encouragement to me to see you go through the crisis of your father's passing, and whatever challenges to your dreams, clinging on faithfully to God and living out what it means to have faith and love God. Love you and I'm sorry for always hitting you! ;P

Tim for being so YOU. Thanks for being someone I can talk to about books and Time magazines - even though I don't talk as often as I want to with you, but it's really great to see how much you can become like Pst Tan and A.R. Bernard! Continue to value knowledge! Thanks for your faithfulness to serve and hang on. Keep holding on to what you believe is right, and pray God for the capacity to bring that change to your surroundings! Thanks for being such a wit and really appreciate your presence =)

Shuiyong for your words of wisdom. Even though you're a man of few words, but everytime you speak, it makes a lot of sense! The way you've gone about pursuing your love for music, and the way you've persevered in building new relationships in the cg taught me to always be flexible and open to new things, and to hold on to your dreams. =) Thanks for your friendship!

And to many I haven't named, I've enjoyed your fellowship and you as an individual. Thanks for enriching my life and being God's tool to teach me and bring me through dark days. Looking forward to 2009 with all of you!

grace

2008-12-25T22:59:00.001-08:00

post-christmas:

dead to the world till near-afternoon. tea. leftovers. time to savour the wind through the open window. kungfu panda. screwing up courage. amazement at grace - i didn't fail any module. i am officially a C-student though. decision to trust and plow on.

goals. sitting down to ponder the price. time to LIVE. =)

Pre-Christmas busyness

2008-12-22T06:21:00.000-08:00

The past week has been moderately busy yet unbelievably tiring. But it was definitely a week of many firsts.

Had a good time nuah-ing at LK's house and discovering rock band. Lol.. Realized i missed hanging out with lots of people though. hopefully this season of my life, i'll learn to manage my time and reach some kind of equilibrium.

Had a Christmas mini dinner on fri - Sharon, Isabel, Ai and Jean's friend Eileen came over and we cooked! It wasn't totally like 100% awesome food, but think it was pretty good if you knew how gabra it truly was. But I really admire JEANNIE POK for being so game, sporting, positive and having such a large capacity to host and be so giving =) it was really fun - i really enjoyed just sitting back and talking to Bel and Sharon. Wah.. feel like i learned alot of stuff just in those few hours alone.

Topped the week off with shopping date with Darius and Zhini!!! =D Had great great fun catching up with them - miss you guys! Not to mention that Darius intro-ed us to this flea market at NAFA (Middle Rd) and I spent $50 bucks getting 2 jeans, a scarf, a jacket and a top! =) Hoho.. And of course, enjoyed just hanging out with Darius and Kang twin 1.. Felt like could just start talking to them even though haven't seen them for goodness know's how long.

This week gotta work work work. But I'm really excited about Christmas and waiting to catch Sheila in this ultra-confidential drama! Jiayou Jang!

photos uncovered today

2008-12-17T07:57:00.000-08:00

Shopping for jeans today, i made my first new year resolutions.

1. No more fast food. I mean it.!!!

2. Jog. Swim. ANYTHING to tone up.

Watching Stomp The Yard last night (AWESOME!), i resolved

1. to ask God and work on intelligence AND character.

2. learn to dance! like really.

toughen up

2008-12-11T09:21:00.001-08:00

how to have your own mind and yet be accepting? how to be decisive and not be overbearing? how to be tough and not hardened?

how to be 'innocent as a dove, and shrewd as a snake'?

* * *

sometimes i hold back, not because i disapprove, but more because i don't know what to think about it. it's kinda being in the middle of an essay, still not sure what the conclusion is, but giving room for both sides of the argument. maybe for the sake of people who've already made up their minds, i should decide soon. even if it means having a different stand.

* * *

read "The Love Languages of God" by the author of "The 5 Different Love Languages" the past few days. think it really gave me a handle towards understanding people better. it didn't strike me as being very important when we were first taught about different love languages - how different individuals feel loved when it comes in a specific form. it was somewhere with the conclusions of quizzes and personality tests.

but when you're in a big group of friends, or a kaleidoscope of a family where no one resembles anyone else, understanding another person's love language equates to understanding why he behaves the way he does, why he worships God the way he does and what happens when he doesn't feel loved. it leads to tolerance, then acceptance, and eventually a solution.

a lot of people get nicknames - i don't. i always wondered, was it because i lacked personality? people can't seem to be able to make up their minds about me. the safest comments would be 'nice', a euphemism for 'goes-with-the-flow'. and i realized, in an effort to accommodate, you can lose strength of will to lead, to decide, to purpose and to pursue your own life goals.

i know i may always seem a little slow in catching on, a little late in blooming. but i don't wanna be insecure about that anymore. what is progress without foundation?

but. no more stagnating.

2008-11-27T00:30:00.000-08:00

I'm this close to tearing up my notes right now.

argh.

decide

2008-11-25T06:29:00.000-08:00

Despite totally NOT being prepared for my exams this week (this is the first time I've not been successful at staying up into the night to finish studying! guess it really indicates how NOT turned on my engine is for studying this semester...), I'm still gonna pluck up courage to face down the rest of my papers.

Pretty disappointed at myself for not being able to translate my understanding to some real results. But I was very encouraged by Mark Conner's past message in FOP:

"Sow a thought, reap an act. Sow an act, reap a habit. Sow a habit, reap a character. Sow a character, reap a destiny."

And I decided that I've to get back up from being discouraged about my papers, and start putting all my beliefs into action. I may not be that A student yet, but I will get there.

2008-11-21T10:33:00.001-08:00

tired but happy remember?