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Today, I was caught between amusement, sadness and conviction when a friend who once attended CHC as a kid, commented that tongues was gibberish.

Yet I made a decision that I will not be stumbled or fearful of man's faces any longer.

Why do I love Jesus even though it's stupid to the world to:
- give up weekends to commit to CG n church
- tolerate and commit time to build up relationships with people that may stretch my capacity
- give of my finances
- submit to people whom i may not have learnt to respect
- wait for God's anointing when i can run off and do what i'm talented in
- give up what i desire for what God desires me to do like my future career, my personal dreams
- often be up to my neck in committments because of the needs of the church/cg/so many different groups of friends
- bring impulses into discipline, such as desire for relationships, desire for revenge, desire to cut people down
- 'be someone you are not'

because. I watched the Passion of the Christ on Good Friday today. In my first viewing years ago, I remembered how i vowed through my tears never to watch it again. But this year's drama, though it was the first time the dramatistes were performing and there were mistakes her and there, and i was too busy looking out for Sheila and noting the lighting and all the technical stuff to really get touched by the story - BUT this year, Easter was about God and what He did, more than ever before for me. Because frankly, i've never slowed down to think about it.

And what i saw was this:
- how a man would believe in God's call for Him that He would let go of His dignity for a higher purpose.
--> no normal person could bear watching someone being beaten up and imagine the helplessness or it. that is why we suppress our imaginations when we hear about how terrorists are tortured; that is why we shy away from pictures and graphics, and prefer Easter drama and depictions of Jesus' suffering, to be more conservative and less dramatic and showy.

but sorry to say, that's the truth of it. the crucifixion was not a slam-bang thing 1 sec after Jesus expressed obedience in the Garden of Gethsemane. During the next 24 hours of being slapped and beaten up by jealous, bitter religious people, and whipped etc., He had every chance to call down the angels or just there and then, deny Himself and escape from the death sentence.

I dare anyone to say that any normal human could do that.

Jesus was not crazy. Even scientists and atheists admit that at the least, Jesus was a wise man, or a good man.

Like what Max Lucado said, Jesus is either crazy, or He is God. There's no middle ground.

And yes, here comes the hard part. If He is God to you, then He would be worth hanging on to no matter what happens. And oh, how hard it is to come to the revelation of who God is. Sometimes I wonder - is my human mind capable of retaining that love for more than a week!?

Yet, I've seen a friend's bravery in the face of a loved one's death this month. I've seen a leader hang on to her calling though she may not have the certification and the support of her family. I've heard of countless stories of how people with more reason to cry and hate God, love God and give Him praise instead. And I wanna be like that. Even if I don't feel love, i want to keep wanting to till i do.

I walked through my darkest valley just recently. And this is what I've to say, to myself, and to encourage all you out there -(who am I to judge when I know what it feels like to want to backslide, to commit suicide, to sleep my life away?) -

Jesus isn't the reason why you are stressed. why you are forced to choose between him and your dream. why you are financially strapped. why you are weary from having to keep picking yourself up from every trial. why you are drained from having to carry too many of other's burdens. why you are betrayed. why you are weak. why you are lonely. why you are failing. why you are sick. why you are depressed.


i miss the friends whom entered my life in the last few years in church, and for one reason or another, left. this is a call-out to you that i've never stopped feeling the space you guys left, nor can it ever be replaced. someday it will stop hurting, but i will never stop praying for you. because i understand what it felt like.

"And out of all the voices calling out to me,
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth." - Casting Crowns


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