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Showing posts from 2010

bullet points

This week, I
1. caught up with my sis in one of the most agreeable discussions we've had, over something we disagree over, and
2. found out I've prejudices that I gotta make my peace with.
3. am easily stressed out by my family; haven't been spending enough time with them.
4. am becoming my mum.
5. need to 'relac one corner' more & see what happens.
6. have been constantly asking how and why anyone would undertake such a massive responsibility as bringing up children.
7. realized why I don't like to sleep. Haven't had a good dream in a while.
8. realized I really need to do what I say I believe in, and rely more on God.
9. threw my hands up at ever being able to use logic to overcome prejudice.
10. enjoyed hanging out with my cousins more than I ever have done.
11. learnt to like Monopoly Deal... only because I almost won. ;)
12. learnt that cold really is all in the mind. Except when you bathe, then it's real.
13. decided that I need to become more like a fri…

family dynamics

I think I finally understand what used to get me down about family holidays, especially the month-long types squeezed in a single house with 3 other families you were happy talking to once a month or so.

It takes getting used to seeing your mum as someone else's sister, or to see your aunt being chided on child-caring techniques by her older sisters. And personally, to be a dutiful daughter, my brother's keeper, a shopping companion and just wanting to curl up and read something, takes decision to face it all cheerfully.

Still, I'm grateful for this chance to catch up with relatives from another country, another culture and upbringing, as well as my own family. If anything, it's freeing to do all this in another place where the only work demands can be contained in the laptop. Out of sight, out of mind. :D

Learning how to be 100% present. Had a conversation with my bro where I said whatever I'd wanted to say for the last year, in 5 minutes. Maybe we don't need mor…

the need for Jacks of all trades

Saw this quote on Jeanzei's desktop:
"The nation that draws too broad a difference between its scholars and its warriors will have its thinking done by cowards, and its fighting done by fools." - Thucydides, 431 BC
Am I a coward? I hope when it comes down to a fight, I'd have the courage to roll up my sleeves and get in the thick of things. :) I hope that for all of us soon-to-be graduates. The world certainly needs it.

buzz

Aunt Karen just called mum to discuss plans for the trip to Whistler.
awesomeawesomeawesome... no matter how cold it gets, and how early the sun sets, snowboarding will be worth it all!
but seriously i'll be missing everyone in Singapore. i'm already feeling homesick every night thinking of all the things i'll be missing... no, check that, trading for time spent with family. :) no regrets, just... yeah. :'D
thinking... i really wanna go for habitat for humanity. that's what's been keeping me off from the job hunt. but then i think of my parents, and i think that's selfish of me.
i wish i didn't have to worry about money... so that i can give it to where it's needed. however 'World peace'-ish that might sound, it really doesn't feel good saying sorry, i can't, i'm broke.
another random post marking procrastination... i should be studying now... BUT in my defense, this exam is seriously TOO drawn out. put me out of my misery nowwww p…

wanderlust

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


angst

hormones are powerful things. i need to find back the joy i had before i knew things, despite knowing them. i can live with the tension - i just need more of You, even if it means more of it.

some things are just not worth it

every decision comes at a cost. out of the various choices open to you at any one point in time, your commitment to ONE costs you the potential benefits from other choices. So at what cost are we willing to pay for fame, money, stability, satisfaction?

the social network movie made me angry. i will not venture to comment on the real characters of the portrayed actors involved - it's not my business anyway. but what 'parker' and 'zuckerberg' did to 'saverin', and making that comment about the borrowed $19,000? low blow man...

nobody ought to be treated like that. no matter what they did or did not do. period.

and it made me think how much we can get away with, hiding under the glorified cause of 'living passionately for a dream'. does it have to come with the price tag of relationships & human dignity?

what right does anyone have to elevate himself above others (that 'farm animals' comment still rankles) based on the premise that he is self-m…

prezi!

"Boredom is the brain casting about for new information. It is the feeling you get when there are no new patterns to absorb."
Ralph Koster, A Theory of Fun

grow up

how about that, this late bloomer is all ready to grow up. :)

this past week has been a lot about reflection. questioning what i want, and who i am. definitely, like every well-trained singaporean, i thrive under high pressure. getting a kick out of a long and impossible to-do list, rushing a report and presentation within the span of 24 hours, running around singapore on errands... there is a lot of satisfaction in that.

but in one sentence, a classmate summarized what i needed to hear: singaporeans need to learn to slow down.

'living in the tension of life'? i meant that. we will always need to stay in the middle of an 8-spoke wheel (Native Indian analogy), balancing between enjoying the present and having a drive and passion for the future.

i think it's a good thing that i like myself less, and let my opinions matter less during this time. i need more room in my life for God!

feet on the ground, and arms stretched high - that's how i wanna grow up.

something's gotta give

love this quote from Pastor Ulf Ekman:

"Be an authentic Christian. Meaning you acknowledge the suffering that you need to go through, but you still do it." It gets me thinking, what does it mean to overcome? What is power? I guess this may get a bit technical. But Physics-wise, it's not the size or weight of an object that makes it destructive. But if an object is moving with great momentum, or speed, its potential for destruction, or breaking through suddenly exists. And it is that drive and inner momentum, a motivation, a sense of destiny and purpose - that gives us the victory over our situations. However you call it, it's all God. It's all Him. Our own ambitions and motivations fizzle out in the end. Because we can only be noble and selfless to a certain point, before it all boils down to what we want. And when it's all about us in the end, well, it's easy to let go of things when we lose the passion or the reason to persevere & commit. There has to be s…

the thing about sleep

truth: once you stay awake past 4 am, there's no use going back to sleep. Not if you want to get up on time for normal life that morning that is.

so here i am, monologuing my hours till daybreak.

and being ministered by the likes of Jesus Culture, Switchfoot, OneRepublic...

i'm serious guys, let's form a band. If only for the joys of banging away and focusing all energies to something more positive than... ranting... complaining... ;D

Alright, back to work!

To whom shall I run?

if we would just be stilland accept the lovenot from an estranged creatoror a God on holidaybut from a Father who begot us in His imaginationand birthed us even knowing our weaknesses, failures and rebellions.i wanna live on this love.

quality conversation

Was just talking to a friend - interestingly, on the topic of writing. Strange how the faster you try to grow up, the more you realize that who you really are could very well be epitomized by who you were as a child. Or maybe it was the intensity by which we, as children, believed in things.

Like how I believed that I would one day be the youngest person to author a book (hey that's what kids do alright, dream!). I remember how I'd save up money to buy paper, and how the collection of fresh pages would get me excited about my next short story. There was the endless days of poring through books... then reading through them again and again to get something new from the pages. Then Christopher Paolini penned his first book, Eragon, at the age of 15. And I dropped that dream.

Same with animation. Same with dancing. Same with music. It makes me think what I'm actually driven by? I'm glad I dropped those dreams then, if my motivation wasn't right. It reminds me of Coach Ca…

why i do the things i do

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our dark that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people don't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Timo Cruz, from 'Coach Carter'

LOVE

When I got to the lowest I can get (back to that one thorn), this verse:

1 John 4:8
"He who does not love does not know God, for God is love."

Because the first thing you do is to stop loving, and that is scarily quite easy. And I thank God that He is GOOD. He gives and He takes away BUT just because of who He is, it keeps me from walking away.

Love is the only reason for sacrifice. And sacrifice is sacrfice, because we cannot comprehend why anyone should do so.

I just got to remember that no one else could ever sacrifice as much as God did. Meaning: stop complaining, keep trying.

Unto God

These few weeks have really been about walking out Col 3:23 for me. LOVED Pst Tan's message - it's so true. It's easier to 'have faith in the greatness of your own faith' than to have faith in the goodness of God.

Been having trouble sleeping the past few weeks. I'm in the midst of organizing a clean tech conference in school in super short time and limited resources - on top of that, my mind has to constantly change mode from project meeting to project meeting, to leaders' meeting to ministry to all the various other committments in cell group and my own committment to my family and friends.

I'm so thankful for the pre-semester post - it helped me remind myself that I have sat down, counted the cost, and agreed to commit. It's about burnt bridges and swearing to my own hurt now.

But after the word shared by Pst Tan, I was so released to know that I can truly let go of the burdens. Not because there's going to be less to do, but because despite eve…

the tongue

Psalms 50:23

Whoso offereth praise glorifieth Me: and to him that ordereth his conversation aright will I show the salvation of God.

First step: smile in the face of frustration. It's hard saying something hard and cynical when your mouth's in a crescent-shape - funny phenomenon of nature.

downloading

hey guys, i've purchased downloads from Attributes' online www.sermonvault.com for

1) Honor's Reward sermon by Pst John Bevere;
2) Righteousness & Mercy sermon by Pst Tan, 20th June 2010; and
3) The Book of James by Pst Tan couple of weeks back

I've up to 2 more downloads of each sermon left - let me know if you want it (wait for the magic word... FREE) and I'll forward you the link and my account info. =D

crazy livin

I think I've lost the taste for a holiday where I can just slack off - because I can't even enjoy not doing anything anymore! But that's not necessarily bad - I really need to gear up and be 100% present with my body, and not spaced out in books and ideas all the time. Let's call it taking a leaf from Jangsta's book. Haha.. shoutout to the most enthusiastic-about-life, can-do gal I know! =D

Been meditating on the Book of Luke. When you go through dry times, or times when you have to wait patiently for an answer, Luke's a great book to study to seek out the personality of Jesus. Luke 6:1-11, about Jesus being the Lord of the Sabbath. Everything, Everything is really about Jesus. It's hard to be a 20-something, stepping into independence, and not yearn for material things, be ambitious for the life we have been studying for, or the freedom to do what we want, go where we'd like. But doing all that, getting all that just doesn't satisfy anymore - not t…

A Lesson An MRT-ride Long

It's true! Perfect love casts out all fear. Looking back, I realize that all the mistakes and offenses that others have made against me, have all been imperfections or differences of others which God has used to shape me. In that same vein, it must be true that God can use me whether or not I feel adequate or not, or even when I'm aware or not, to help others in one way or another.

Like what AR Bernard said, God is always working!

Understanding that God is a God who is always ready to give us a cleanup and a new slate each day... it really does away with a lot of limits I set upon myself. Some maybe well-intentioned, not wanting to be a stumbling block, not wanting to say the wrong thing... But people are tougher than we think, and we aren't doing it all on our own. God is always there to be more than sufficient for our weaknesses.

That said, thanks God for teaching me mercy, and to listen more than I talk. I think I still need practice though.

she was yesterday, I am now

Rest is more enjoyable when I've really worked.

I definitely could do with more prayer, more listening to where God wants me to go. A lot of the time, my heart is in one place, but duty calls in another.

Whatever it is, a simple regime has helped me this week - setting aside time everyday to thank God about something, learning to look at little things in a different way, not despising the small things =)

I don't know what got me started on researching on random things I always wondered about but never got around to finding out (actually, I know, lack of work. But I've learnt to shut up and enjoy worklessness sometimes =)). The Holocaust is one example.

Wow - it really got me thinking how good we have it. No matter where we are now, we are always better than the generations that have passed us - because even though we have let go of a lot of romanticism and idealism, values, chivalry, honor etc., it is in pursuit of collective knowledge.

(For example, Knowing that discrimination…

feeling at home

i just wanna start it over - in a good way =) taking the good and leaving the bad, just redoing this whole mindset of how limited and undeserving and etc. reasons why i shouldn't/can't chase after the things in my heart.

i seriously don't get why Alice in Wonderland got the criticisms it got! loved it to bits. was seriously craved for entertainment and society this week but i shall not complain because i love being tired-but-happy =) the movie made my week! i totally love Alice & how she dared to break all the limitations society and she had set in her life!

it's true, boldness comes from the Holy Spirit.

anyway, proof of switchfoot awesomeness:
(ehhh can't embed...) check out 'This is Home' by Switchfoot, official music vid!

warmed up

lol it's almost halfway through my industrial attachment (I finally realized IA & Internship aren't the same! O.O hmm) & I'm finally getting warmed up to the people there & the oh-so-quiet-working-environment. Finally dared to whip out my earphones & get onto Youtube for my music fix. With a lot of looking over my shoulder. HAHA.

I think IA kinda made me discover a lot about myself. I'm a workaholic! OK, as in, I don't LOVE the serious office, with everyone's expression carefully blank & kept fixated on their screens (it's a small office so the boss sees everything). But I really prefer work than school. Obviously I miss shopping & being able to complacently be late for my appointments... AND I get updated about my friends' life through blogs - and not even frequently at that!

Guess I'm really learning a lot...and it makes me feel like there's a point to working hard? Like coming out into the workplace, you really discover …

Life!

nononono don't wanna become a working hag - getting tired so easily, not enough exercise & outings.

treatment for the soul

> go to the National Museum for the 'Quest for immortality - The World of Ancient Egypt' exhibit (Free admission for students; Adults - $15 excluding SISTIC fees)

> watch a GOOD movie, but yeah, now's not the season. maybe a good arthouse film? (where do you go to watch those?)

> sentosaaa

> good italian meal. good defined as value-for-money. no, cheap. yeah. hahahah

> acrylic paints

> painting paper

> mushy letters XDDD

> pedicure (i have old woman's feet :( )

> reverse bungee! need 3 more takers on this ;D

climate change

is it just the weather or is it just me - keep slumping into a coma at 10.15pm - it's been like this for 2 days straight. and it's not as if i get real good sleep! AND i keep not-calling Cel - sorry! ><

lol. i'm not like playing up on my age to make ppl feel bad - but i think i've finally passed that time where i can just go ahead with any plan and expect my body to just hold out on me. what with work and everything, it's become essential that i get my sleep on sunday to avoid feeling like i need to catch up on it throughout the rest of the week. boohoo. haha at least i finally understand what gives with commuter attitude in the morning. hope i don't morph into that!

celebrated the boss' birthday in office today. think it's realy hard for expats to work in singapore sometimes - the working attitude of singaporeans is really quite different in general, and it takes the most outgoing of people to get themselves fully integrated with the singaporean cr…

out of touch

Wow. Just caught up on others' blogs (can i say this, KL, Jang, Mic, LK, Jean, JX... etc.) u guys write really well!

I keep complaining about how engineers just don't touch language anymore 'so what'd u expect'. Hence, everytime I remember I have a blog, and go to all the trouble switching on the lappie & going through several tries with the password (pretty telling.), just clicking 'New Post' is enough to wipe your mind clean of any coherent thought.

So. gotta practice practice practice. So don't mind me when this blog just becomes a litany of what I ate and saw and did cos I don't wanna become an online editor of "Joanne's opinions - Get yours' today" anyway. ;D

Anyway, just wanna say during these weeks leading up to Arise & Build, truly it's been hard to keep yourself on a faith-high. Revelation is needed every step of the way. It's true, the moment you start working and get more money coming in, it's just harde…

Bigness

I dunno I've been thinking... sometimes it's good for people to be domineering - yeah, you get things done, the world is enriched by opinion, what needs to be said gets said. BUT somehow I feel that it expands you to not always put your own opinion at the forefront.

The cliche that it takes 2 hands to clap, is true for every situation. Seriously. Things turn from wrong to right, when the situation turns in your favour. Isn't that true? I dunno, there's always a time to go with your heart, say what you feel, be who you are etc. etc.

And there's always a time to choose.


gogogo

Ok, finally warmed up to 2010 (Jan's over..?!)...

Teach us to make the most of our time...and make our efforts successful. Yes, make our efforts successful!
-Psalm 90:12, 17

I think, what with considering Aunt Angie's life testimony, and turning 22 soon, and spending some time listening to my younger cousin talking about his 16 years' worth of life philosophy... 2010's the year where I want to breakthrough!

Somehow it feels like the last few years I've been wanting to want the vision of God for my life and that's all I've been doing. It's really encouraging to flip open a book, and have these words jump out at you:

'The desire of most people is to live a life that counts. This is a right and godly aspiration. It's was Moses' request in the above prayer. He began by asking for wisdom to make the most of time...The fact that [the phrase, "make our efforts successful"] was repeated twice in Scripture shows it is not only God's will for…

Working

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Tuition job
2 China girls (P2 & P4)
English only
$30/hr for 2 hr/session
preferably 2 sessions/wk
(usually separately tutored)


1st day of internship - what can i say. think i got one of the better jobs - good working hours, small company, nice people, relevant job experience, surrounded by good food (Amoy & Lau Pa Sat! & starbucks!) & salary that makes me smile :D

reading blogs really convicted me about being more optimistic and hopeful for 2010 - attitude sets the course for the year! thank God that He's alr sent someone to meet my need for work pants (Thanks Sally!) so i don't have to totter up and down buses on my way to work!

tomorrow, slippers! :D