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a week's summary

i think seriousness is misunderstood. sometimes it isn't that a person is dull, and incapable of having fun. sometimes it simply means that, due to personal reasons, a person has chosen to forgo that right to say or do certain things.
i don't want to go with the flow anymore. i think i make that clear often enough. perhaps because i did not settle it within myself once and for all to make that departure of things better left behind to memories, and childhood days... that i end up getting detached from people and myself.
my granddad passed away this week. i dunno what to think about the timing of it all - how he passed away due to his lung infection on monday morning, and how his wake ended on friday, thereby taking up the whole study break week. it was fortunate. i wouldn't want to - or have the mood to - attend lessons and put on a face when all i want to do is be there for all the times i haven't been. i'm glad that God spared me from having to decide between family and the rest of my life moving on. i'm glad there are moments in life where time can slow down for you to shed some tears and reminisce.
when my grandmother died after a couple of years fighting illnesses too, i was seriously disturbed that i could not shed a tear at her funeral. that is not to say that tears accurately quantify one's love. but i determined that it would not be so at my grandfather's wake. a weird promise to make i know. but that is why sometimes i seem like a wet-blanket, desiring to head home to my family, though there're are exciting things going on after church etc. a committment made because i don't want to cry, at the end of a loved one's life, because of regrets and memories dredged up from years back. but because i'll miss seeing them, in their familiar poses, in familiar settings.

not all things in life are happy, and definitely, a lot of choices made now mean hard choices to make in future. one thing that a friend once said, 'Don't apologize for things you don't have to apologize for.' and i don't want to live life life that anymore. like what Mike Connell said, you can be responsible to people, but you can't be responsible for people - how they feel, how they react, how they think and what they say. certainly, what i can control, i will - and that means i've to start getting my act together. if i wanna do anything, i want it to come from the heart and not always through obligation and ingratiation anymore.
no, it doesn't mean that i'll rebel and buck every trend that comes my way. i think there's a way of balance to be found, that narrow road to walk, where you don't have to let the world or experiences tell you what's beautiful and what's not, what's acceptable and popular, and what's not. well, i already have companions blazing the way - people who have passion and sacrifice to do what they love. i'm honored to know them. but i hope to find the road that has my name. soon.


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As Sy Rogers said today, there are things we can look back on, our memorial stones, that encourage us and give us strength to move forward. I rmb a time I was so far away and so tired of people in general, cos really it's relationships that really get me down - n when Jean would walk in on me crying or just sitting and not even having the energy to do stuff, she would listen n say 'just cry out to God alright?' and that would be the last thing i wanted to hear. sometimes you know what to do, and you know what the advice will be, but when the emotions are not there, an…

on mountains and perspective

Kept awake by a bout of traveler's diarrhea and the ensuing abdominal colic. Just been back from an attempt at Mount Kinabalu, 'highest mountain in Southeast Asia'. Okay, those apostrophes are there out of bitterness... it really is the highest mountain in Southeast Asia. And I couldn't even attempt the summit. Made it to the base camp at 3067 m though... that's what it says on my black-and-white certificate - colored ones are only for successful summit-ers.  Crrr!

But I made it back with my life. And I'm humbler for the attempt, though how could I resist the parting shot: "I'll be back!"?

But on a more serious note, it's an awesome thing, a beautiful gift to be able to get out there into as natural a surrounding you can get (without dying a slow tv-less death from cold, altitude sickness, projectile vomit and did I mention cold?). It truly seems like one never can be happy - despite all my first-world comforts, I'd gladly pay to painfully…

hello from the other side

hello to the old me (6 years, yikes!)

hello from someone who's discovered that old is just another word for diminishing physical capacity, but increasing everything-else capacity!

The old me would have said, I should have posted more regularly and I shall post more often now... but I'm glad in hindsight that I held to my belief that I should only post when I've something positive to contribute. Not just words, but how they are birthed. Words written without vanity. And words written not to solicit approval in replacement of the lack of it elsewhere. Words that aren't hurried through the time needed to process and ruminate over the experiences of the past few years (dramatic in some aspects, mundane in most so all in all pretty much as per everyone else's I would expect!).

Still, a little mortifying to realise that I don't know how to work the buttons (!) and to realise I'd forgotten so many things, and yet in some respects, am still entirely the same.

And O…