i think seriousness is misunderstood. sometimes it isn't that a person is dull, and incapable of having fun. sometimes it simply means that, due to personal reasons, a person has chosen to forgo that right to say or do certain things.
i don't want to go with the flow anymore. i think i make that clear often enough. perhaps because i did not settle it within myself once and for all to make that departure of things better left behind to memories, and childhood days... that i end up getting detached from people and myself.
my granddad passed away this week. i dunno what to think about the timing of it all - how he passed away due to his lung infection on monday morning, and how his wake ended on friday, thereby taking up the whole study break week. it was fortunate. i wouldn't want to - or have the mood to - attend lessons and put on a face when all i want to do is be there for all the times i haven't been. i'm glad that God spared me from having to decide between family and the rest of my life moving on. i'm glad there are moments in life where time can slow down for you to shed some tears and reminisce.
when my grandmother died after a couple of years fighting illnesses too, i was seriously disturbed that i could not shed a tear at her funeral. that is not to say that tears accurately quantify one's love. but i determined that it would not be so at my grandfather's wake. a weird promise to make i know. but that is why sometimes i seem like a wet-blanket, desiring to head home to my family, though there're are exciting things going on after church etc. a committment made because i don't want to cry, at the end of a loved one's life, because of regrets and memories dredged up from years back. but because i'll miss seeing them, in their familiar poses, in familiar settings.
not all things in life are happy, and definitely, a lot of choices made now mean hard choices to make in future. one thing that a friend once said, 'Don't apologize for things you don't have to apologize for.' and i don't want to live life life that anymore. like what Mike Connell said, you can be responsible to people, but you can't be responsible for people - how they feel, how they react, how they think and what they say. certainly, what i can control, i will - and that means i've to start getting my act together. if i wanna do anything, i want it to come from the heart and not always through obligation and ingratiation anymore.
no, it doesn't mean that i'll rebel and buck every trend that comes my way. i think there's a way of balance to be found, that narrow road to walk, where you don't have to let the world or experiences tell you what's beautiful and what's not, what's acceptable and popular, and what's not. well, i already have companions blazing the way - people who have passion and sacrifice to do what they love. i'm honored to know them. but i hope to find the road that has my name. soon.