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no genes for eyebags

it's quite amazing what you do when you lose control over yourself because you haven't bonded adequately with your bed. For example, i can't even read what i took down for service. And you can seriously be so tired you start crying because you are tired. Not because of emotional tiredness, or signs of nervous breakdown, or stress. Just a way for the body to unwind.

Definitely need a break. But it's only going to get more intense these few weeks. Took me a while to realize that my waiting for the day when I'm ready to take all this, will never come, till i face up to today's stuff. Like yay, 3 months holiday, but I know i gotta earn the peace of mind by working my butt off this sem.

Dunno when I started getting stressed up. Midterms maybe. But definitely it's affecting my joy. And no joy, no strength to do work, to handle people's crap, to handle people period. There's just a desire when you wake up after 10 hrs of sleep, to sleep for another day. How I wanna punch myself now for feeling 'sian' when the holidays drag on. Will i ever enjoy and luxuriate in every nothing-to-do day that comes my way!

I'm so glad that when I feel like i couldn't screw up anymore in any other aspect of my life, that when it comes to God, He's really the only one who can give me the sense of assurance that it doesn't matter to Him how bad I mess things up and that He is always big enough to handle it. Nothing i do can shock Him off His throne - i think i read that somewhere. Lol! I think it all starts with that, the breakthrough. With that knowledge, i lose my hold on being bitter about people, on wondering whether doing what i'm doing, giving whatever i'm giving is worth it. Then there's strength to wanna move on.

I really cannot say more on how much i wanna be content here right now. Sometimes though, the world keeps moving on - in every aspect, there's this demand to be better, give results. sometimes i just wanna be seen as i am now.

and sometimes there's freedom and joy in not trying too hard.


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As Sy Rogers said today, there are things we can look back on, our memorial stones, that encourage us and give us strength to move forward. I rmb a time I was so far away and so tired of people in general, cos really it's relationships that really get me down - n when Jean would walk in on me crying or just sitting and not even having the energy to do stuff, she would listen n say 'just cry out to God alright?' and that would be the last thing i wanted to hear. sometimes you know what to do, and you know what the advice will be, but when the emotions are not there, an…

on mountains and perspective

Kept awake by a bout of traveler's diarrhea and the ensuing abdominal colic. Just been back from an attempt at Mount Kinabalu, 'highest mountain in Southeast Asia'. Okay, those apostrophes are there out of bitterness... it really is the highest mountain in Southeast Asia. And I couldn't even attempt the summit. Made it to the base camp at 3067 m though... that's what it says on my black-and-white certificate - colored ones are only for successful summit-ers.  Crrr!

But I made it back with my life. And I'm humbler for the attempt, though how could I resist the parting shot: "I'll be back!"?

But on a more serious note, it's an awesome thing, a beautiful gift to be able to get out there into as natural a surrounding you can get (without dying a slow tv-less death from cold, altitude sickness, projectile vomit and did I mention cold?). It truly seems like one never can be happy - despite all my first-world comforts, I'd gladly pay to painfully…

hello from the other side

hello to the old me (6 years, yikes!)

hello from someone who's discovered that old is just another word for diminishing physical capacity, but increasing everything-else capacity!

The old me would have said, I should have posted more regularly and I shall post more often now... but I'm glad in hindsight that I held to my belief that I should only post when I've something positive to contribute. Not just words, but how they are birthed. Words written without vanity. And words written not to solicit approval in replacement of the lack of it elsewhere. Words that aren't hurried through the time needed to process and ruminate over the experiences of the past few years (dramatic in some aspects, mundane in most so all in all pretty much as per everyone else's I would expect!).

Still, a little mortifying to realise that I don't know how to work the buttons (!) and to realise I'd forgotten so many things, and yet in some respects, am still entirely the same.

And O…