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no genes for eyebags

it's quite amazing what you do when you lose control over yourself because you haven't bonded adequately with your bed. For example, i can't even read what i took down for service. And you can seriously be so tired you start crying because you are tired. Not because of emotional tiredness, or signs of nervous breakdown, or stress. Just a way for the body to unwind.

Definitely need a break. But it's only going to get more intense these few weeks. Took me a while to realize that my waiting for the day when I'm ready to take all this, will never come, till i face up to today's stuff. Like yay, 3 months holiday, but I know i gotta earn the peace of mind by working my butt off this sem.

Dunno when I started getting stressed up. Midterms maybe. But definitely it's affecting my joy. And no joy, no strength to do work, to handle people's crap, to handle people period. There's just a desire when you wake up after 10 hrs of sleep, to sleep for another day. How I wanna punch myself now for feeling 'sian' when the holidays drag on. Will i ever enjoy and luxuriate in every nothing-to-do day that comes my way!

I'm so glad that when I feel like i couldn't screw up anymore in any other aspect of my life, that when it comes to God, He's really the only one who can give me the sense of assurance that it doesn't matter to Him how bad I mess things up and that He is always big enough to handle it. Nothing i do can shock Him off His throne - i think i read that somewhere. Lol! I think it all starts with that, the breakthrough. With that knowledge, i lose my hold on being bitter about people, on wondering whether doing what i'm doing, giving whatever i'm giving is worth it. Then there's strength to wanna move on.

I really cannot say more on how much i wanna be content here right now. Sometimes though, the world keeps moving on - in every aspect, there's this demand to be better, give results. sometimes i just wanna be seen as i am now.

and sometimes there's freedom and joy in not trying too hard.

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Just watched American History X again. Dunno, some days you just feel prepared to take on the violent stuff you know? (As evident, movies like this just give me sleepless nights...)

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hello to the old me (6 years, yikes!)

hello from someone who's discovered that old is just another word for diminishing physical capacity, but increasing everything-else capacity!

The old me would have said, I should have posted more regularly and I shall post more often now... but I'm glad in hindsight that I held to my belief that I should only post when I've something positive to contribute. Not just words, but how they are birthed. Words written without vanity. And words written not to solicit approval in replacement of the lack of it elsewhere. Words that aren't hurried through the time needed to process and ruminate over the experiences of the past few years (dramatic in some aspects, mundane in most so all in all pretty much as per everyone else's I would expect!).

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And O…