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Forgot my password...

It's my personal conviction that whatever you write or say should act as a mirror. It's not always right - what your opinion is, your attitude about something etc etc - and it takes more to reflect on what your emotions really mean, than just to vent your feelings online to derive the satisfaction of everyone 'listening in'. It's great though to read back on previous diary entries, reminisce and appreciate how far I've grown. Which is why despite really disliking myself for not walking the talk in previous blog entries, I think I'd rather get over it and just understand where the diatribe came from.

Haha.. i guess that thought came from the recent 'I just can't click with the others' remarks that I heard. I know how it is when someone you want to spend time with somehow makes you feel rejected or unwelcome. Haha.. been there, done that, got the T-shirt. But it's really only when I got to the point where enough is enough - what do I care how others feel about my dreams and aspirations? what do i really want out of life? what have i committed myself to to believe and fight for? - that I'd really just let go of all those thoughts and attitudes that are just complicating my life. I like what Phil Pringle said when he tried to illustrate how he really got into the spirit - there is a switch in everyone, some thought that makes all the difference in changing your attitude abt something. You just have to want to find it. Just searching for God and not finding Him gets you further than standing there wondering if you can.

It's about knowing what you want and making sure in your spirit that it's right and pure with God. If you need the acceptance and love of others, fine, you need it, what's the point in hardening yourself to the point of numbness just to prove to yourself you don't? At different phases of your life, you need different things - keep it real, know what you need and ask or work for it. Want a friend? Be friendly. It's a double standard isn't it, to rejoice in your individuality and uniqueness and yet reject others for being different and not understanding and upholding your ideals.

Max Lucado - there's a packet of love in everyone (common grace!). You just got to make the effort to find it. Lol.. out of the millions of complex emotions, desires, aspirations and thoughts out there, it isn't really that hard to find that one thing you share in common with another person, beyond class, status, cliques and beliefs. Don't worry, there are plenty of people out there for those who are searching, that just hit the wrong nerves. But I decided I wouldn't let it be fatal - annoying yes, but it's just me.

Phil Pringle - let you heart do the feeling and your head do the thinking, as compared to letting your heart do the thinking and your head doing the feeling.

--> it's not juggling the activities that get you down, it's not setting time aside to manage your emotions and will that messes everything else up. That's what I learnt. =)


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As Sy Rogers said today, there are things we can look back on, our memorial stones, that encourage us and give us strength to move forward. I rmb a time I was so far away and so tired of people in general, cos really it's relationships that really get me down - n when Jean would walk in on me crying or just sitting and not even having the energy to do stuff, she would listen n say 'just cry out to God alright?' and that would be the last thing i wanted to hear. sometimes you know what to do, and you know what the advice will be, but when the emotions are not there, an…

on mountains and perspective

Kept awake by a bout of traveler's diarrhea and the ensuing abdominal colic. Just been back from an attempt at Mount Kinabalu, 'highest mountain in Southeast Asia'. Okay, those apostrophes are there out of bitterness... it really is the highest mountain in Southeast Asia. And I couldn't even attempt the summit. Made it to the base camp at 3067 m though... that's what it says on my black-and-white certificate - colored ones are only for successful summit-ers.  Crrr!

But I made it back with my life. And I'm humbler for the attempt, though how could I resist the parting shot: "I'll be back!"?

But on a more serious note, it's an awesome thing, a beautiful gift to be able to get out there into as natural a surrounding you can get (without dying a slow tv-less death from cold, altitude sickness, projectile vomit and did I mention cold?). It truly seems like one never can be happy - despite all my first-world comforts, I'd gladly pay to painfully…

hello from the other side

hello to the old me (6 years, yikes!)

hello from someone who's discovered that old is just another word for diminishing physical capacity, but increasing everything-else capacity!

The old me would have said, I should have posted more regularly and I shall post more often now... but I'm glad in hindsight that I held to my belief that I should only post when I've something positive to contribute. Not just words, but how they are birthed. Words written without vanity. And words written not to solicit approval in replacement of the lack of it elsewhere. Words that aren't hurried through the time needed to process and ruminate over the experiences of the past few years (dramatic in some aspects, mundane in most so all in all pretty much as per everyone else's I would expect!).

Still, a little mortifying to realise that I don't know how to work the buttons (!) and to realise I'd forgotten so many things, and yet in some respects, am still entirely the same.

And O…