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le struggle

you know what, i just wanna finish this TV programme.. i dun even feel like praying..
God, you understand right, this is like the only time i fellowship with my family - u understand
Joanne. Joanne. Joanne.

i dun need this aggravation right now - i mean, i have so many other things to do - God, make up your mind, which do you want me to do first???
Ok.. God, I get where you're coming from, seek you first and all tt right.. but dude, you need to explain like step-by-step man, i dun see how juggling all this is do-able!!!
Come Joanne, step out of your boat and walk to me. Even when you start sinking, you only have to call out. Step out and watch me do a miracle!

God, if these ppl go through so much with you and they still backslide, where does that put me??
I think i'm gonna sleep on this.
I will never forsake you - remember my goodness.

God, everything's messed up. Sometimes it seems like i can't get into the lives of ppl i love. Can't help or give anything. I don't wanna deal w ppl anymore, it's just complicated. it hurts.
God, I'm waiting to see your hand on these ppl i care so much abt. It's depressing me.
Come, am i not enough for you? My love never changes. Didn't when you turned away, shan't now and never will. 'A flickering lamp I will not snuff out, come you who are heavily laden and I will give you rest'.

I don't understand!
God, one day, pls explain this to me.
My girl, I can't wait to show you all the ways I've planned and designed ur life, so that you'll become the best you can be!

I once got guilty and hung up over my negative reactions to stuff around me.
Now I know it's something that will change if I stay in God, or it's just a mental assault.

I once tried to explain away my doubts in nice righteous language so i'll just limp along in my faith without questioning God.
Now I know that He wants me to relate honestly.

I once got too busy to listen.
Now I am training and recognizing that small voice.


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As Sy Rogers said today, there are things we can look back on, our memorial stones, that encourage us and give us strength to move forward. I rmb a time I was so far away and so tired of people in general, cos really it's relationships that really get me down - n when Jean would walk in on me crying or just sitting and not even having the energy to do stuff, she would listen n say 'just cry out to God alright?' and that would be the last thing i wanted to hear. sometimes you know what to do, and you know what the advice will be, but when the emotions are not there, an…

on mountains and perspective

Kept awake by a bout of traveler's diarrhea and the ensuing abdominal colic. Just been back from an attempt at Mount Kinabalu, 'highest mountain in Southeast Asia'. Okay, those apostrophes are there out of bitterness... it really is the highest mountain in Southeast Asia. And I couldn't even attempt the summit. Made it to the base camp at 3067 m though... that's what it says on my black-and-white certificate - colored ones are only for successful summit-ers.  Crrr!

But I made it back with my life. And I'm humbler for the attempt, though how could I resist the parting shot: "I'll be back!"?

But on a more serious note, it's an awesome thing, a beautiful gift to be able to get out there into as natural a surrounding you can get (without dying a slow tv-less death from cold, altitude sickness, projectile vomit and did I mention cold?). It truly seems like one never can be happy - despite all my first-world comforts, I'd gladly pay to painfully…

hello from the other side

hello to the old me (6 years, yikes!)

hello from someone who's discovered that old is just another word for diminishing physical capacity, but increasing everything-else capacity!

The old me would have said, I should have posted more regularly and I shall post more often now... but I'm glad in hindsight that I held to my belief that I should only post when I've something positive to contribute. Not just words, but how they are birthed. Words written without vanity. And words written not to solicit approval in replacement of the lack of it elsewhere. Words that aren't hurried through the time needed to process and ruminate over the experiences of the past few years (dramatic in some aspects, mundane in most so all in all pretty much as per everyone else's I would expect!).

Still, a little mortifying to realise that I don't know how to work the buttons (!) and to realise I'd forgotten so many things, and yet in some respects, am still entirely the same.

And O…