Skip to main content
Welcome to my home. Yes, yes, that's the living room. Yup - imported the furniture, 10 grand can you imagine? does he like it? what does that expression mean? Oh, let me show you the kitchen, I'm very proud of the oven. That's my bedroom to my left; yes, I pray there - oh, play the guitar too. There's my library, only fine literature there. Oh and books, yea, I try to read those once in a while - what? oh no, not the bible! Oh yes, just a little dust there. I read my bible every night. Really. quick diversion! Come along now, here's the guest room; I hope you'll be comfortable. I'm sorry it's set at the back here. I didn't think your flight would come in so early. Here, set your bags there, I'll get the sheets and make up your bed. See, the window opens up to the front gardens and - and, oh no, you don't want to go there. Oh that? Na, I keep a few doors locked around the house. It's just - a security precaution. No, of course! Just make yourself at home. Just - you know, those rooms stay private. No, there's nothing important in there; stop asking questions! I - I do my art work there. Yes, I don't like people prying. Come, no more questions, aren't you tired now? Yes, well, I will be turning in soon. If there's anything you need, just knock. please don't. Oh, knock hard, yes? I'm a heavy sleeper. Good night holy spirit.

It always hurts me in the end, when I try to compartmentalize every aspect of my life. My dream to write, paint, draw my desire to travel and be independent my secret passions my moral discussions the friendships I have with my churchmates the thoughts I keep inside the things I promise God the joy I feel with close friends the things that raise my blood pressure the songs I sing along to the friendships I have out in the world.
Is there a need to be different with different people? It's tiring to keep drawing the boundaries. There are so many things I don't understand about myself that keep popping up - God, how could you accept this part of me? I've locked myself into too many rooms, I don't think I can find my way out anymore. My hands are heavy with the keys - they all look the same. I've tried, methodically, then by guesswork, the keys, one by one - this door doesn't open. God, help me breakthrough! I'm drying up in here!

And then, simply, 'the boundaries need to go'. And the walls are gone.

Yes, I can be all this, and still be one Joanne. This is me, the ugly which can be changed and which sometimes remain, and the good, which I don't discover often enough. I may not like all of me, but I can accept it. Because I'm first accepted by him.


Popular posts from this blog

There must be more than this
Oh breath of God come breathe within
There must be more than this
Spirit of God we wait on You

Fill us anew we pray
Fill us anew we pray

Consuming fire fan into flame
A passion for Your name
Spirit of God won't You fall in this place
Lord have your way Lord have your way in us

Stir it up in our hearts Lord
Stir it up in our hearts Lord
Stir it up in our hearts Lord a passion for your name

As Sy Rogers said today, there are things we can look back on, our memorial stones, that encourage us and give us strength to move forward. I rmb a time I was so far away and so tired of people in general, cos really it's relationships that really get me down - n when Jean would walk in on me crying or just sitting and not even having the energy to do stuff, she would listen n say 'just cry out to God alright?' and that would be the last thing i wanted to hear. sometimes you know what to do, and you know what the advice will be, but when the emotions are not there, an…

on mountains and perspective

Kept awake by a bout of traveler's diarrhea and the ensuing abdominal colic. Just been back from an attempt at Mount Kinabalu, 'highest mountain in Southeast Asia'. Okay, those apostrophes are there out of bitterness... it really is the highest mountain in Southeast Asia. And I couldn't even attempt the summit. Made it to the base camp at 3067 m though... that's what it says on my black-and-white certificate - colored ones are only for successful summit-ers.  Crrr!

But I made it back with my life. And I'm humbler for the attempt, though how could I resist the parting shot: "I'll be back!"?

But on a more serious note, it's an awesome thing, a beautiful gift to be able to get out there into as natural a surrounding you can get (without dying a slow tv-less death from cold, altitude sickness, projectile vomit and did I mention cold?). It truly seems like one never can be happy - despite all my first-world comforts, I'd gladly pay to painfully…

hello from the other side

hello to the old me (6 years, yikes!)

hello from someone who's discovered that old is just another word for diminishing physical capacity, but increasing everything-else capacity!

The old me would have said, I should have posted more regularly and I shall post more often now... but I'm glad in hindsight that I held to my belief that I should only post when I've something positive to contribute. Not just words, but how they are birthed. Words written without vanity. And words written not to solicit approval in replacement of the lack of it elsewhere. Words that aren't hurried through the time needed to process and ruminate over the experiences of the past few years (dramatic in some aspects, mundane in most so all in all pretty much as per everyone else's I would expect!).

Still, a little mortifying to realise that I don't know how to work the buttons (!) and to realise I'd forgotten so many things, and yet in some respects, am still entirely the same.

And O…