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Now

You know, what Mark Conner said is true.
We're not just trying to be better people. If that were the case, I think i'd struggle more comfortably out of church than in it!
But it's really about reading the Bible, and learning from the 'guidebook', how to train yourself to be holy, to be righteous, all those cheem words we don't really understand.

I'm learning to guard my QT jealously. This is after the conference with Benny Hinn!
I went there with doubts - i'd read in Christian websites, or heard from my relatives overseas, the criticisms he faces; why does he ask for offerings to fund his crusades? how come some ppl don't get healed in his crusade? why does he have to be so dramatic? does he think he's the one healing? etc & etc.
But really, when I was in the choir, i could feel how there was a lack of the presence of God throughout the praise - maybe cos the audience didn't know the songs, and there weren't lyrics.
But when Pst Benny came onstage, and started praying, God came!
For me, it wasn't a - Oh, God, how come you only come when he appears?
It was as if God were endorsing him - saying, this is the one I've chosen who will lead today's conference. Much like how he chose Aaron from all the Levites by making Aaron's stick blossom.
So yea, questions and doubts answered. =D

But I was really stirred up inside, though I didn't feel the spirit as strongly as Jeannette or others in the choir did. Instead of wondering why i wasn't feeling much, I was awed by how others were crying out their hurts, being comforted by this invisible presence, how new friends were feeling joy... and my overwhelming conclusion was and is that God is real. There is a God. It's not so much a zen-like, oh, a higher being has descended kinda thing. But a real pang of realization - If God is real, then His word through the pastors must be real. And if what is being taught is from God's own mouth, am I pleasing Him by my obedience? Then I was like - AHHHH... Don't come yet, I'm not ready!

The last night, I really came out of it so grateful for God's mercy. Instead of just knowing what it feels like to walk in the spirit, the conference was a manifestation of what God means by His POWER enabling us to walk the narrow path. The slaying, the anointing - it's not just a touch of God, it was a transfer of faith to stand in place of my faithlessness.

Comfort for my shame.
Faith in the face of discouragement and despair.
A readjustment of what is real, what is most worth it, what is the more precious thing to be had.

The gist of Pst Benny's salvation message the first night:
Hold on and treasure your salvation my friends. It is a gift that God has pre-ordained you to receive; before He made you, He knew who were those who would receive it... and stick to it. It is that ark when the whole world is being flooded - GET ON, don't ever leave it too late to be saved.
- what will it take to shake you?
All that the world has to offer? - relationships, the dream job, the ideal lifestyle, the approval of society

The point of sitting for an exam, is where it will take you.
The point of living this life, is so that I can get to my destination, heaven or hell.
I decide now, whether I wanna live forever with God.
On top of that, I decide to move past my salvation and build on it - stay in church, obey what is taught, run with the vision God has placed me to take part in - to taste heaven now.

It's not flaky. Of course, do well, do your best where you are - that's God will. But don't let the distractions of pursuing something else get you down: you don't eat an ice cream for it's toppings.

Yup - that sums up my revelations from the conference!

Comments

Anonymous said…
Joanne I'm so proud of you! It was a long and tough walk and it is still going to be but I'm so glad you are making a decision to keep on going. I will walk with you rest assured!

- Michelle

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