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this walk of mine

more and more, i'm coming to really understand by experience, that this walk is really through the wilderness. valleys ahead, for sure. but then i wondered, then what's 'falling' or 'stumbling' mean - if the dry spells are a certainty, why are we called not to fall.

light enters the valley too. sometimes you have to climb trees, sometimes you have to believe what others are saying is happening, but the sun always rises everyday, whether you see it or not. when we close our eyes in despair, or push away the hands that reach out to guide us, that's when we can't see the way out, and we stumble and die right there.

Falling is a choice. Same as holding on. Everything is.

I want to be a person of integrity - I won't complain and encourage using the same mouth, so it's time to decide which. I won't judge and love using the same heart, so it's time to decide which.

the last canada trip was really trying. Funny that it should be! I really prayed to have a good time getting connected with my cousins - who are all post-, mid- or pre- teenage (horrors!), but it wasn't like 60% joy and laughter all the time. What's worse i think was how my dad's love for photography just rubbed me all wrong. Almost everytime the car stopped, this struggle ensues:

'ok, gather gather, photo photo. quick quick'
...' dad.. Dad! don't step on the road, you own the road is it???'
'ok, wait ah.. closer closer, eh, don't close your eyes la!'
'aiya, just faster can anot??'

as in, it came to the point where i didn't even wanna get out of the car (missed out on many views of the Grand Canyon!) just to prove a point, that i didn't have to do everything he said just because he was paying for the trip.

Haha.. i think it's only now that i realise when my dad was laughing over the photos, that it was my loss that most of those photos showed us unhappy, and in previous trips, even in tears. In the end, he just wanted us to enjoy ourselves!

lol.. looking at this in another perspective, that's all God wants isn't it. It's like, hey, you prayed for the best life you could ever have didn't you - i'm helping you get there! And then here we go, whining and dragging our feet, seeing the ugliness of the places He's bringing us through and demanding for the sceneries and good food that we didn't pay for but somehow think we deserve. Funny thing that, cos He does think we deserve it, if only because we belong to Him.

Ok, love quotes, so here goes:

Phil Pringle: He's not trying to prove you wrong, He's trying to make you right!
- on repentance and why it's easier to just face whatever it is tt's crap in your life, rather than running around n finding stuff to tamp it down or make it go away so you dun have to suffer the emotions.

Helen Keller: Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired and success achieved.

Woodrow Wilson: The only use of an obstacle is to be overcome. All that an obstacle does with brave men is, not to frighten them, but to challenge them.

R. C. Allen: We grow because we struggle, we learn and overcome.

N it's not even abt you having to be, say, brave or intelligent or outspoken or popular or enthusiastic before anything can ever happen for u, it's just where do you want to be at, what do u have to do/go through, n just do it. the only thing is how bad do you desire for it, when does a want become a need?

i desired a lot for all the wrong reasons the first 3-4 years of my christian walk.
-yea, getting involved sounds like a ticket to more friends, more social activities, sounds good.
-well, if having to do more stuff means i get to be respected n looked up to
-i think i'd rather just do what i'm told than explain why i dun feel like doing it

but only when recently when everything really came apart, to the point where i had nothing good going on - then i saw that i needed God to change me, i couldn't deal with my weaknesses and failures anymore, n the best thing was that there was no 'see i told you' but a 'hey friend, i've missed you' when i turned in the right direction.


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