No Reserves, No Retreats, No Regrets

post-christmas: dead to the world till near-afternoon. tea. leftovers. time to savour the wind through the open window. kungfu panda. screwing up courage. amazement at grace - i didn't fail any module. i am officially a C-student though. decision to trust and plow on. goals. sitting down to ponder the price. time to LIVE. =)

The past week has been moderately busy yet unbelievably tiring. But it was definitely a week of many firsts. Had a good time nuah-ing at LK's house and discovering rock band. Lol.. Realized i missed hanging out with lots of people though. hopefully this season of my life, i'll learn to manage my time and reach some kind of equilibrium. Had a Christmas mini dinner on fri - Sharon, Isabel, Ai and Jean's friend Eileen came over and we cooked! It wasn't totally like 100% awesome food, but think it was pretty good if you knew how gabra it truly was. But I really admire JEANNIE POK for being so game, sporting, positive and having such a large capacity to host and be so giving =) it was really fun - i really enjoyed just sitting back and talking to Bel and Sharon. Wah.. feel like i learned alot of stuff just in those few hours alone. Topped the week off with shopping date with Darius and Zhini!!! =D Had great great fun catching up with them - miss you guys! Not to mention that...

Shopping for jeans today, i made my first new year resolutions. 1. No more fast food. I mean it.!!! 2. Jog. Swim. ANYTHING to tone up. Watching Stomp The Yard last night (AWESOME!), i resolved 1. to ask God and work on intelligence AND character. 2. learn to dance! like really.

how to have your own mind and yet be accepting? how to be decisive and not be overbearing? how to be tough and not hardened? how to be 'innocent as a dove, and shrewd as a snake'? * * * sometimes i hold back, not because i disapprove, but more because i don't know what to think about it. it's kinda being in the middle of an essay, still not sure what the conclusion is, but giving room for both sides of the argument. maybe for the sake of people who've already made up their minds, i should decide soon. even if it means having a different stand. * * * read "The Love Languages of God" by the author of "The 5 Different Love Languages" the past few days. think it really gave me a handle towards understanding people better. it didn't strike me as being very important when we were first taught about different love languages - how different individuals feel loved when it comes in a specific form. it was somewhere with the conclusions of quizzes and p...

I'm this close to tearing up my notes right now. argh.

Despite totally NOT being prepared for my exams this week (this is the first time I've not been successful at staying up into the night to finish studying! guess it really indicates how NOT turned on my engine is for studying this semester...), I'm still gonna pluck up courage to face down the rest of my papers. Pretty disappointed at myself for not being able to translate my understanding to some real results. But I was very encouraged by Mark Conner's past message in FOP: "Sow a thought, reap an act. Sow an act, reap a habit. Sow a habit, reap a character. Sow a character, reap a destiny." And I decided that I've to get back up from being discouraged about my papers, and start putting all my beliefs into action. I may not be that A student yet, but I will get there.

tired but happy remember?

even though we know the Asia conference isn't FOR the benefit of our church, still can't help but be impacted. no matter where we are, no matter how big or successful, there is always always room to improve and grow. it's definitely weird to see Pst Phil, Rev Ulf, Carola, Sidney Mohede, Don Moen, all in the same place at the same time! it's curious though, to know that this time it wasn't really about seeing the big names and going to write down yet another booklet worth of sermons and information. instead, the conference for me is becoming more and more about the immediate people around. how my leaders in attributes come the earliest and leave the latest and still find it worthwhile to serve, though a lot of us know customer service isn't the easiest job in the world! and of course, who can forget the experience of being part of the queue! if you've never queued up to get into hall 8 before, you haven't really been part of the conference. seriously. tha...

Well today certainly clocked the miles. Me legs are achingggg... Worked this morning from 7-3 plus, headed home and out again to school just to drop off an assignment (even if that doesn't really justify 3hrs of commuting, it made me feel better as a student so... yah... by then my legs were numb)... met Jangalar at Bugis for dinner (after around an hour of walking around trying out various venues that were packed like nobody's business. =) Kenneth at Raffles Starbucks certainly made my day. ^^ haha.. free drink on the house for Sheila Pretty Lady. =P Kk.. time to get focused on my studies for the next few hours... =) I resolved that I'd rather be tired and happy than tired and unproductive.

One day, I will draw something that the world will see. I know my breakthrough's on the way. Dream holiday: a day on Whistler's slopes. (with friends and family of course) Time and money to devour books! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . But right now, gotta visualize the A's! (>.

we were talking about race and class issues in soci tutorial the other day and for once, sociology had a practical application for me. to help me understand the frustration that i feel, has a basis and explanation. i think, beyond my own tendencies to be over-conservative, there are totally decent reasons why we can afford to be more classless and raceless. One: God is. Second, it's hard to reconcile racist jokes and the fact that you have friends and people you like who are of those races. i was totally convicted that i still held a lot of views that i wouldn't want to be on the other side of. Pastor really drummed the message in this week -preach it Pastor! Thank God that He is able to do a work in me, regardless of my narrow-mindedness and stubbornness. I know there's a lot of views I've to change, but I'm glad that I'm on the way. That I'm in a church that will be committed to transform lives and mindsets, that we'd actively be on the way to emulate ...

Haha.. get high over Alan luo! ^^D especially now when I'm really feeling the mid-term-&-final-exams-clash stress... Fighting!

W489. W489. W489. =) trying to get used to the numbah. hee. hmm.. of course there's the nervousness - this is my first multiplication after all - at the thought of no more regularity and habitual tromping off to cell group. but there's excitement too, at the thought of being a pioneer and starting off. this rash is really a bummer. i've only gotten it twice before and it faded within a day, & the second time it was 'hide-able'. now i can't stand the thought of wearing jeans OR shorts! > busy week ahead, gotta screw up my resolve & meet the day every morning. praying. The peace of God is POWERFUL! I remember that from SOT ;D it was apt then, in the rush between assignments, and it is an apt reminder now, in the rush between assignments still. maybe i can't always be all held-together and polished and perfect, but i wanna enjoy the ride =) ok, back to my studies!

don't have to sleep for the next few weeks. =) study with me? =)

today took a self-announced day-off from school. i realized that throughout the year, i've been squeezing in these unofficial days because something or other seems to crop up to take up those official days off. i know it's no good reason, but it seriously helped to let my physical body rest (after the 4 days at work last week & lots of fellowshipping & lack of sleep). talked some stuff out with Jean too - realize that i really need that. not only with Jean of course. need to really be able to talk stuff with my friends too.. read a book 'the cross and switchblade' - it talks about a revival amongst the teenage gangsters in New York, some 40 years back, because a young country pastor was willing. he handled drugs, failures (that amounted to death and tragedy) and sacrifice. what got me was reading how complete some conversions of these gangsters were. i stood there reading over Jeannette's shoulder, and tears just came to my eyes. i really want that - the all...

i've got my mom's stubbornness and my dad's temper. this manifests at certain times of the month. time to change.

aiyah.. today's just not my day man.. lol.. get ready for some ranting.. worked the previous day, ended at 10 plus pm.. & today had to wake up at the ungodly hour of 430am to get to work by 530am.. u can imagine what getting a cab is like at that time lah... i had to continuously walk along the roads, trying to out-chiong fellow workers at the airport.. T.T but thank God for small mercies, i reached work on time.. had a good start to the day.. which ended in my extending to 11 hours, getting surplus in my cash register up to a grand total of $14.25. Joanne take a bow, you've really outdone yourself this time. ever since i join this outlet, i've been setting records man. first the lowest results on customer snapshot, and now this. woo~ not to mention i'm constantly forgetting to hand in work schedule on time, resulting in ... drumroll~ a total of 24 hours worked last month! T.T i need the money. i need to study. i also need a brain-break or time to chill out without ...

gonna plow into work that i should have done but haven't done. eeks. but obviously i'm still procrastinating a little here... ARGH really a bit sianded of assignments that take at least 11 hrs to finish. GOD here here dun forget me e ee ... begin operation ACTION. time to live my life man.

i think seriousness is misunderstood. sometimes it isn't that a person is dull, and incapable of having fun. sometimes it simply means that, due to personal reasons, a person has chosen to forgo that right to say or do certain things. i don't want to go with the flow anymore. i think i make that clear often enough. perhaps because i did not settle it within myself once and for all to make that departure of things better left behind to memories, and childhood days... that i end up getting detached from people and myself. my granddad passed away this week. i dunno what to think about the timing of it all - how he passed away due to his lung infection on monday morning, and how his wake ended on friday, thereby taking up the whole study break week. it was fortunate. i wouldn't want to - or have the mood to - attend lessons and put on a face when all i want to do is be there for all the times i haven't been. i'm glad that God spared me from having to decide between fa...

summary: I've written a BIO essay, read a book (starting on another) and learnt a Chinese song today. Joanne takes a bow. ;D

;P totally pon-10 the whole of yesterday & slept in! i'm quite amazed cos for the first time in weeks, i woke up un-tired! that proves that i should do this more often... ;X lol... no lah.. but i'm quite relieved, my semester's lightening up... lab this sem has been restricted to a few sessions only so now i'm FREE... YAY.. had a v thought-provoking talk with Shuiyong online last night. it was totally in line with Pst's call on us to HOLD ON to our dreams and our vision to be creative and bold for God.. lol, i can talk about this cos there's 90% chance he won't read this ;> but seeing him so passionate about bands and music, even while he aspires to go into business line, it challenged me again to live beyond the boundaries that society sets us. so i'm totally gonna gear up and pursue my dream... to be an animator like Hayao Miyazaki!!! ;D haha.. but i'm learning to step out in faith for this because i've heard my parents' worrying ove...

For God has not given you a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline. - (NLT) 2 Timothy 1:7 This verse has become real to me these past few weeks. I've experience fear, timidity, insecurity, inadequacy, rebellion, discouragement, depression and weariness... because I let stress overcome me. I believed what my circumstances told me and struggled to keep a heart that believes God's promises. I've always wondered why my breakthroughs always seem to be so brief. Despite all the great revelations and knowing that I must be faithful and not keep yoyo-ing (in everything; emotions, spiritual life, discipline etc.), it's surprising how things can slip out of my control without me even knowing. Even though I struggled with going for CG on Saturday, ministry on Sunday and leaders' meeting on Monday, IT WAS WORTH IT. I need the kick in the butt. And I need to learn how to fall...on my knees. BRING IT ON!

Pheweee.. after almost starting a combo of non-tallying-cashier-experiences, i've finally tallied my cashier counter today! Yay.. one less person who wants to kill me. =) k.. assignments calling. just a random post to revive my blog a bit.

Freedom isn't freedom till there is the freedom to make mistakes. - Mahatma Gandhi Here I am at 3.16 am on a Thursday morning, with a pile of books beside me, and class starting at 9 am tomorrow. Wow - I'm quite happy that I've finally got the motivation to get started. Seriously, think the ranting-cum-laughing I had just now w the gals and bear really helped. Sometimes, despite the busy schedule, it really helps to do the things that are important to you. Even if it might mean less sleep and studying into the night - like now. Think God is really dealing with my past issues. It really is necessary to KNOW what's the purpose of going through tough stuff, periods, situations - especially during times when you really need to be at your optimal. When people left, right, centre, are demanding from you to perform for them at the standards they demand, more often than not without placing your welfare into the equation, you need to FIND OUT from God what stuff He's doing i...

Once it rains, that's it for me. Only a blanket and my bed can make me smile like this cat - even in my sleep. grumble grumble

I'm reminded of Pst Tan & how he had this time of his life where he felt this brick wall, preventing him from preaching effectively to the church. And he literally broke through by prayer. I feel that now. But I remember what I told myself through SOT, that the faster I accept that all these valleys are gonna be a part of my life, the sooner I'll get up and face it - and overcome it. So attitude-wise, maybe I should start seeing my valleys as a chance to get rid of a lot of junk from my life. ;) I need time!

I take it as a bad sign that these words came into mind yesterday: "imploding, i-need-a-holiday, leave-me-alone, HAI." And it's my first week plunging into Uni life again. =( I really wanna be the enthusiastic, coping-well student that all of us aspire to be. But I can seriously say that I'm a little overwhelmed with the work I've to do, and the persistent feeling I've carried since year 1 sem 1 that I'm studying and struggling in a course that I'm not naturally good at. I don't feel envy when I see students walking around with drawing pads and artsy course materials (Readings are so much better than calculations believe me). I just feel like my inside has withered and I don't really go there anymore - talking about dreams that is. But that means crying to sleep these few days. Reading Mic and Jingxuan's post, I'm so surprised that others feel less than satisfied with uni life. I realized that I didn't turn to God to talk about it, ...

I'm glad there are tests after all... Tmr's one's on Cultural Mandate... & it's only in the midst of studying that I really realized... HOW MUCH I SLEEP IN CLASS! And it's Pastor Kong teaching for goodness' sakes! Greatttt... Half the time i'm trying to decipher my handwriting.. Haw haw With regards to sleeping, really must try NOT to during lectures anymore! This sem, I'm like HUHHHHHH??? from the first slide to the middle... only when the lecturer switches to a new topic, is there any spark of hope for me! I'm SO going textbook shopping tmr... T.T YAY! finishing Cultural Mandate... Still go Pst Joshua Hong's teachings on prayer &... Theology, & Sermon on the Mount... Wow.. Bible reading too! BUT with SOT graduation in view, I really sincerely want an attitude-change regarding my studies... I'm so truly envious of arts people and a PERSON (singular!) flying overseas to exchange trip & pursuing art! ;D But yeah, it's truly...

Oh my... feeling a bit overwhelmed by this last week to graduation for SOT. Mixed in with the exams and chionging for bible reading, is the rush for second-hand textbooks, balloting for tutorial/lab groups, & even showing up for lectures! > Argh.. but thank God la, that my friends aren't like saying that i'm slacking off AGAIN though judging from my attitude in the previous semesters, it's totally justified. ;P HELP ME GOD! Shoutout to these people who've made my 'holidays' WORTH IT! Ai bean Jangster Dixon Lou-gu Zhang YX Joce Michelle Hui-min Diwei YangHong Jac Jie-Yun Chen-Wei Li-Shin! Let's not become strangers once school starts! ;D & will definitely miss our Taiwanese counterparts... X'@

this week's HECTIC. the final lap. school reopening, SOT exams, family, ministry, connect group, friends, work, piano exams. I learnt : Sleep =X= rest there are times when my legs really almost seem to fail. yea it was definitely embarrassing doing the whole falling-asleep-and-jerking-awake routine, oh, in lecture, in the MRT, on the bus... God's really proving Himself real. Cos all it takes is one hour in my hiding place, and i'm home. Man, He just refuses to let me feel tired..!

I like American football. Watched 'Facing the Giants', an American Christian film retelling the true story of how God used a failing coach, heading a failing football team, to bring about revival. Some quotes: Team Captain: You mean God cares about football? Coach: God cares about where your heart is. If your heart is in football, He cares about football - because He cares about you. Coach: We win, we praise Him. We lose, we praise Him. Coach: I need you, Brock (star defense player). I know you're tired, it's easy to lead when you're not tired. But Now is when you lead us. Behind the outward - as a youth, we invest boundless energy into fun, chilling, personal hobbies, things that satisfy our soul - there needs to be a warrior. Hard-hearded. A face like a lion. Determined. Fighting every inch. Resolved not to let any enemy get past him on the front line. Beyond the pain. When you reach your limits, it's all HEART from there.

These past week or so at school, have been exposed to a lot of the existent wrong doctrines that are popular, so to speak, in our generation. Some I don't know the answer to. Some I realize are existent in various forms, in my own life. That got me thinking more deeply, spurred on by some stuff that happened. I realize that no matter how many times we hear something, unless we get it in our spirit, we don't really get it at all. Perhaps that is the purpose of trials, of discipline through our mistakes. I learnt this week, the cure to compromise. To be disciplined concerning myself. I, no, we who call ourselves Christians and sometimes pride ourselves to be more knowledgeable etc. over non-believers or other Christians, we need to learn to judge ourselves according to the standard that God set in the Bible. Yes, 'have to' as in, it's definite. No maybes, no compromises, no gray areas and 'according to case-by-case basis'. Everytime we can't understand WHY...

this won't be some exposition on what freedom is ;D free = from my voice, you know, the one that's not so crazy about God. free now to embrace who God created me to be. it's funny how we search and ask God for our purpose, what He made us to DO, but freak out when God is interested in what He made us to BE. that's totally how i was influenced since young. i remember that in primary school, when Jean and I were streamed into different streams and classes, i wasn't so close to her anymore. there was no time for games, no time to waste hanging out with friends and stuff. after homework and time with my family in front of the television, there was only time left for ME time. no surprise, i had my first white hair when i was 11. but i liked the regularity, the discipline, the sense of purpose and accomplishment. that was who i was - the EM1 child my parents could talk about proudly, the one who wasn't that popular but got along with teachers, classmates, and more imp...

455 am Yay, finished Assignment 4... though it's 3 days late. =) Revelation from 'The Church of the Living God' by Pst Ulf: Spirit of revival comes first upon the believers, before it spreads throughout society. Revival comes from God, to the church that is trained and prepared to receive the harvest. Revival comes in the midst of darkness, persecution, rebellion, backsliding and lawlessness... so... don't be discouraged. I agree. I'm being stretched like a rubber band. But just as my favorite teacher in primary school was the fiercest one, Chinese somemore(!), so I am also stepping into the joy of being discipled. It always feels right to build from down upwards. Of course, getting down to ground zero is the price to pay. To bring forth fruit, the seed must die. Even after the plant sprouts, the roots must keep extending deeper, for the tree to extend upwards - for the world to see. Motivation, discipline, decision, conviction comes when you realize that the engine...

Item Approx hrs/wk PRESENTLY(ATWP) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------- 01> Family time, meaning CONVERSATION (what keeps my heart soft and my mind sane) 16 02> A social life pretty non-existent right now) 0 03> 5 'quite intense' looking modules ('intense': could be due to the nonexistence of 45 the term 'simple english' in university) 04> Cell Grp & church (Diploma: Being Human, Love Pt 1, Anger Management Pt 1...) 16 05> Bible School (6 WEEKS MORE TO GRADUATION! BITTERSWEET...) 55+ 06> Connect Grp (Diploma: Leadership, Servanthood Pt 1, Self-Image, Love Pt 2) 1? 07> Working for less than $6/hr (Diploma: Marketplace,...

God will catch me He says He's not ashamed of me Whether i'm weak or not, His hands will not weaken He allows me to cry He doesn't minimize my hurt He will bring me aside to a place of rest He will be my protection He is my greatest cheerleader He believes in me He gives me the benefit of the doubt He looks at my heart He invests in me He is able to heal me You will not let me be moved You are great You are mighty when I am weak You do not judge me You will spend time on me You speak life into me You speak good things about my future You delight in my success You are there every step of the way You do not push, you lead me You understand You are more than enough You are my portion I will find my rest in You.

Realized that my time management is totally out of whack these holidays. It's as if my 'wants' haven't yet caught up with my duties,, so i always end up agreeing to go for things, but end up have to cancel. Today for example. Felt really bad that couldn't go for store outing - though i really had no mood and i'd to rush here rush there. Prepared the dress and everything, but my mind would not let go of my family obligations. In the end, I spent some much needed time (though short) with cg members (Thanks La for the dresses! I felt v little-sister-loved =)) & home to help out at home, and just be there to support my parents. Hope that these days of clashing will end! Must pray for wisdom and start getting more organized! Pls help pray for my grandpa. =) He's v old, and age and illness are just catching up with him. My aunt (and cousin!=)) is flying back from Canada - hmm.. i just want him to be able to live life free from his bitterness. that thank God he...

what i believe in, when it tears me up and turns me upside down just to swallow other's opinions? who i am when no other person can satisfy me than my maker? what i feel when that's the truth of it, and i love you? my dreams when God gave them to me? i will paint. i will draw. i will write. i will sit and enjoy the colors of the sky, and the trees, and the wind and the sight of birds. i will sew. i will cook. i will read. i will sing. i will dance. i will shout. i will laugh. i will smile. i will decide. i will serve with joy. i will find hope in my God. i will pray for His hand in my friends' lives. i will delve deep. i will search. i will find. i will live the life God meant for me. FREE.

i've been uncomfortable with emotion i've been seeking to protect myself i've been easily discouraged i've been cynical i've been bitter i've been annoyed i've been tempted to be alone i've had distorted perceptions yup, definitely gonna be delivered from something.

=) Pastor Kong preached on Cultural Mandate today! (If there's one person u gotta emulate for preaching, it's Pastor. He ends on the dot! 3 lessons~~~) We were soooo tired cos we came late from Micko's 21st party (smiley faces upon recalling).. BUT on a toilet break (15 min!), we got into the same lift as Pastor! > *** Sometimes I look at people and see how they're really good at something or another. I'm not talking about talents, more like likeable personality traits. Sometimes I ask God what happened that made me lidat. Sometimes I don't talk to God because I dun wanna be angry. But I realized today that I don't want to be anything else - smart, disciplined, efficient, loving, popular - if i'm not this first, and that is that I will not stop quitting to follow after God. That means picking myself up. That means that when i fall, i turn to God and allow only Him to minister to me - no tidbits! I think it's true. Solitude is a necessary habit - I...

Right when there's a hundred and one things to do, Right when you're already scheduled for work, Right when you've appointments and assignments, Right when you've plans to buy stuff, Right when you've plans to hang out, Right when you're excited about all the above, i think that's when you get sick. i dunno if i've gotten the cause and effect thing the right way around. but came back from Kedah with a worsening cough. Lol... MUST relate what happened this morning, in the A.M. after work, when I was trying to catch up on my second assignment "Good Morning, Holy Spirit" by Benny Hinn. I was lying on my stomach over the edge of my bed and reading...ok, then naturally i fell asleep. *grr. The next thing i know, Jean's shaking me awake and saying, "you're bleeding you're bleeding!" I look down and I'm dripping orange-red liquid from my nose. HAHAHA~ I'm not laughing at that, i'm laughing at your reactions! XD Ok, it...

What i brought back from SOT today is a heartfelt conviction from Pst Tan. That Condemnation leads one to NOTHING, and Conviction leads us to repentance and hope and a change of ways. I'm stunned upon reflection, that i can count with my 2 hands the number of times i remember being convicted and repenting. Thank God that He really knows where I'm at and everything I need. The mission trip was more challenging than really enjoyable. But because I know that God's dealing with issues in my life, i can relax and be open about it now. It's good. There's so much more to grow and learn. Learn to take joy in what's challenging! Yah i know.. despite the emotions! > But yeah, I'm glad i made friends in SOT and learn abt different walks with God and fresh viewpoints about God from others. REALLY glad. =) Love U GOD! Awesome in every way!

many times in the old testament, spiritual examples like Jacob and Joseph set up stone monuments as a witness or to remember a moment in time, where they had an encounter with God. =.0 hmm, i want this post to be a witness to myself. i hope that when i forget and stray from what God speaks to me, by writing down my revelation, it will not only encourage others but convict myself as well. there is a reason why many times i'm provoked when people talk to me about clubbing, drinking alcohol, dressing up. what is there to prove? i'm reminded of how i was in secondary school days, when even religious activities like helping out in cell group, rising up etc. was done in the spirit of feeling useful, feeling accepted and seen, or even secure that I would be walking right in the sight of God because of the things i do. perhaps that is why i make it a point that i don't want to see or approve of people on account of the things they DO. so many times, we tend to form this presumption...

Actually, these past few days, there have been quite a lot of issues in my life that came under God's microscope. But one thing at the end of the day, that I'm thankful for, is that God has revealed His goodness to me. There was once a time when i thought that for God to show His name great, prove Himself good, was to provide for me. But the quote: "God has never disappointed me." from many weeks back, began to challenge that mindset. Of course God has disappointed me. But that is if my focus is on my old man. Truly, who can understand why God healed a backache but not deafness? who can predict when the blessings that were promised would come? But the mindset "God has never disappointed me" is one of faith. It is also one that must be put on. I learnt to let go - unclench my fists on what I've gained and hold on to for my security - and now there's space to hold what God has placed into my hands.

yst and today was a real breakthrough in school. i think not only the fact that with the addition of the final batch of Taiwanese students, there's new blood and new anointing from God. But also that the chalet during the weekend, though tiring physically, was a breakthrough in the spirit for me! quite amazing actually.. =) think the last few days have been a real test in my priorities - whether i can trust God and let go of certain things, and still believe that things will go smoothly without my effort. haha.. i'm not talking about being slack (cos i just got back my results too so ya..) - but ya, it was great to see God come through when i'm emotionally at an end. haha... despite the assignments and the mission trip this weekend, i know God will be my strength. Still need your prayers! =)

on the outward i'm living in the present, but inside, i believe that God's bringing me back to face my past. so to all who may be on the receiving end of my grumpiness, please forgive me & help me by just being normal. dun need to be too sensitive abt it cos ya, doesn't help u, doesn't help me. heh. but yah, i'll work on being more disciplined in my emotions, because that's God purpose ba... poo. i've an angry monster inside. =( roar roar. tsk. it's a bit hard not to be judgmental. cos really, i do get that i myself am not doing much because i fear the responsibility of being a leader sometimes. how would u feel knowing u might stumble ppl cos of ur weaknesses? and still the need is so great, it's really by faith that i must serve and hope that God can make things good out of my mistakes.

just was reminded today the goodness of God. we are truly carried on the wings of an eagle - the Holy Spirit. it started from a thought during mock cg today, as i sat back and watched how we, such an odd bunch of people, would suffer from jitters, be totally flaky, and viewing ourselves as 'spiritually not there yet', would fit in to my perspective of SOT students. i think sometimes despite our repeated assurances that we are not as spiritual as ppl think : nope, still working on praying daily! - it's very easy, when looking at our own spiritual walk, to think that everyone else is doing better. maybe we think that way easily cos we always strive to go in the opposite direction of arrogance. but i read this definition of humility in a Max Lucado book yesterday: Humility isn't not thinking highly of yourself. Humility is about not thinking so much about yourself. i think it's great - that by being humble, and remembering how God has caught us so many times and walked...

=) blogging from Starbucks Raffles. lots of reading to catch up on! thinking of taking up a tuition assignment... budden... yah... haha this week's the week of 13 cell group meetings! after going through the mock cell groups, really understand the difficulty of leading - even things that appear simple, like games. =) what it comes down to is excellence and remembering what an honor it is to be involved in what the church is doing. but really, the messages shared during the mock cgs were really great. even though the subsequent mornings really saw us getting tireder and tireder physically, but the presence of God was really the reward of pressing in. =) it brings to mind what pastor said about being in the fellowship of other believers. whether they are even close to you or not, we are all like coals - together, it's really easier to keep the flame alive. still really wanna expand and explode inside - I BELIEVE God, NOW i believe, that accelerated growth CAN be for my connect gr...

no matter how deep it is, a word of prophecy or wisdom will always encourage because it helps knowing that God knows you more than you know yourself. =) thanks Huimin. but still, need to overcome this. physical limitations = grumpy bear = unhappy people around me.

an opened letter from POSB on my table. my mother saw my giving. God help me believe and stand.

today (tues) began with a proclamation at 2 am: "it's going to be a goooooddd day!" this is what happened. my good mood lasted till the train ride to Boon lay. it sort of lasted through the good worship session (we were late so no praise session for us! =\). then it vanished when i wanted pastor to justgiveatwohourbreakforgoodnesssakescosI-AM-SO-TIREDDDDDDD. i just know Pst Meng caught me in various sleeping poses at the back row. praise the Lord. next, grumpiness followed me back to Pasir Ris MRT. where i unchained my bike, left a 'tsk' for the person who threw a used tissue on my bike, swung my leg over to begin pedaling... ... and realized someone stole my bike seat (by the way, this is a common phenomenon this year so be warned Easties!). (!) let's see, i dunno why i was kinda blank. there was anger, but i also felt this funny reaction of wanting to laugh. like, so ridiculous. my life is becoming a drama. so everything balanced out and i was blank till i...

what do leaders look like? what must we do to appear as good leaders? when the bible talks about the fire of God, I always picture this great fireball thing like in street fighters (woo Ryu!). budden i rmb this forensic story i read recently (Readers Digest! But it was quite a crappy story), that taught me that a fire that consumes everything, till even human bone bears a mark, is not the inferno we picture in our minds, but one that begins from a fallen candle perhaps, but one that burns slowly and burns long. everyone likes bonfires. it's big, indicative of exciting things to come. but while it attracts people to stand around, it's not long that one can stay around it. why? it burns too strong and sends smoke into peoples' eyes; it's too hot, people need a more refreshing activity. so it is with us. sometimes we are on the mountaintop, and we burn bright and people get attracted. not to you per se, but to the anointing. that's good! that's what leaders look li...

http://www.donghaeng.net/english/duty/duty.swf saw this on Jen's blog. =) thanks Jen. it really touched me.

*: marking out products = labelling what date a food item/ingredient expires past the standard of the restaurateur. **: i was just pulling their legs. i clarified later that i wasn't interested. amused stares shared. ***: the title is something lidat la.

today was a bit tough. it's the end of the first week of SOT, Sunday, 11th May. it's pretty amazing how i only start to get my dates right when i work, cos i have to help with marking out products*! lol.. pastor Aries was preaching about ceilings, or limits the other day. i think i've reached my mental one. no, not that i'm going mad. but i guess it's good to get sober once in a while n not be so high n noisy. lol. i'm impacted abt how when you breakthru, pst said tt to bear each other is to walk alongside and not run ahead (although ya, that's great to have the desire). but really, while my goal is my walk with God, i must say i really need ppl around me to inspire me by their walk! =) anyway. mental ceiling meaning u start forgetting things, can't handle all the info etc. and that's how i end up, on Mother's Day, working on level 2 of airport, while my family celebrated at Swensen's at basement. i only saw them afterwards for 5 minutes!!! ...

AHHHH surrounded by the giant of computer incompetence. i deleted my previous post just by going to another site. neh mind. wait i try to remember. ok, ahem, here goes. there are good giants and bad giants. (wa.. powderful right.) christian life is not a war between grasshoppers and giants. it's a war between grasshopper-mentalities, good giants and bad toothless lions. haha.. explained by title. so u guys out there there there wun think, oh no, emo valley-post. haha. on the flipside, today is G R E A T ! (though the non-great parts is cos of people not being there to share it for one reason or another. Budden I know Lajang sure v fun understudying today!) =) how to explain. tsk! must create a language with expressions de. oh yah, that's emoticons. okok. Ya~~ during SOT, when Pst Derek told us to turn to our neighbor and practice flowing with the Spirit by speaking a Word or just to pray and minister over the person (minister the person? minister on the person?), it was SO CO...

=) Yay - day 1 of official holiday & am holding good to my promise to really enjoy the freedom to nuah at home! =) Already there's a lot of stuff today though. Word of the day: Discipline! Need to physically adapt to SOT man.. not used to waking up so early. Consistently. ;D Was really great that Bobby preached today because it really brings you back. It was about being a leader somemore, so it was really cool to know what your leaders have done for you. Shoutout to Jingxuan! There was a lot of stuff that we learnt today that I was thinking, eh, Jingxuan just did that last week.. heh.. Wah.. It's something else when you see someone step out in faith without the security of the training for it - indeed you really see how so many different kinds of leaders can still flow and do identical things, & know it's really the work of the Holy Spirit. =) Quite psyched for the mock cell group test this coming friday. I'll be tested on giving the Word! (On top of worship n g...

Today, I was caught between amusement, sadness and conviction when a friend who once attended CHC as a kid, commented that tongues was gibberish. Yet I made a decision that I will not be stumbled or fearful of man's faces any longer. Why do I love Jesus even though it's stupid to the world to: - give up weekends to commit to CG n church - tolerate and commit time to build up relationships with people that may stretch my capacity - give of my finances - submit to people whom i may not have learnt to respect - wait for God's anointing when i can run off and do what i'm talented in - give up what i desire for what God desires me to do like my future career, my personal dreams - often be up to my neck in committments because of the needs of the church/cg/so many different groups of friends - bring impulses into discipline, such as desire for relationships, desire for revenge, desire to cut people down - 'be someone you are not' because . I watched the Passion of the...

this week was really maddeningly challenging.(!!!) i think everything just piled up so that my face was super long like papaya. HAHA... not so much the things that i've to do, but the stress that i associated with them. anyway, this wk's sermons were v gd. during cg, jingxuan preached about going through trials and i feel, no matter how much we know, it always feels good to hear someone else talk about it and help put into words what we all feel. same with Pst Tan's message on ambivalence and procrastination - it's really when we see the link between these issues and how they affect our spiritual walk, our family life etc., that it becomes more than some self-help conference. it's the truth - and i really felt v convicted about what he said, abt - decisiveness being the quality to bring about change. - how the double-minded man is unstable in all his ways. - how we shouldn't keep waiting for perfect conditions - God still uses us, or more accurately, He uses us ...

i like this yr's Easter drama! heh.. for one, cos Sheila's acting! haha.. it was a lot of fun watching cg member's faces when Sheila started speaking.. =) felt that they really did a great job! can see how much effort everyone had to put in for just one play, much less 3-4! props, lightings, subtitles, having part of the script in Chinese!, improvising when things go wrong.. wow! drama quite exciting eh.. haha.. but like what Ai said, think the only roles that we can do without laughing are those of the roman soldiers! - cos they're alr laughing.. watched Passion of the Christ when we came home after Fri services. I think that was what really enhanced that whole Easter experience. really seeing how Jesus was really God and 'one of us' at the same time. i'm glad Pst prayed for the Christians today too. we can all do with regular spiritual remembrances like Easter and Christmas - i realize that we tend to forget things v easily. sometimes it has to take the mo...

In line with my post title, all future 'W's' (there u go) will be capitalized. I've just realized that my posts are so random. I get on about something, then end With another point. HaWhaW. Any of u can find an un-capitalized W.... feel free to treat me to something! ;D hoho That's the story of my academic life noW actually. I'm so physically spent that all the momentum I've gotten from getting such ::*beautiful*:: grades (meaning that they're so bad that they need manual decoration), is spent on sitting in front of the comp W all my digital notepads packed, and my mind going 'DUHHHHHHH'. Haha.. apologies to my project mates and colleagues at Work Who are never gonna read this post (but at least i feel better for saying it) for the virus called sleep_deprivation that has Wiped out Joanne's mental files. Emotional too. more and more though, I'm Wondering (yes, With a capital W), if this is cos I might do better studying something else. som...

it's quite amazing what you do when you lose control over yourself because you haven't bonded adequately with your bed. For example, i can't even read what i took down for service. And you can seriously be so tired you start crying because you are tired. Not because of emotional tiredness, or signs of nervous breakdown, or stress. Just a way for the body to unwind. Definitely need a break. But it's only going to get more intense these few weeks. Took me a while to realize that my waiting for the day when I'm ready to take all this, will never come, till i face up to today's stuff. Like yay, 3 months holiday, but I know i gotta earn the peace of mind by working my butt off this sem. Dunno when I started getting stressed up. Midterms maybe. But definitely it's affecting my joy. And no joy, no strength to do work, to handle people's crap, to handle people period. There's just a desire when you wake up after 10 hrs of sleep, to sleep for another day. How...

^^D THANKS God: for lifting me up, sending words right in the season for me on my birthday. It's totally not a bout me, but about You and all the people you've placed in my life to help steer me in the right way. Hearing the exact words from Pastor that is the answer to my heart's questions, I just know that You're real and that I gotta take You more seriously. Here's to God for 20 years of unconditional love! Jean: for not squishing me in the womb 20 years ago! Ai & Jang: for sacrificially getting me a Zen Stone PLUS (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I still say 'OMG' when i pick it up!) & arranging THE PLOY and getting us to cg, helping me feel special even though the whole day was kinda packed n u guys were TIRED JX: for praying a very discerning prayer over me Mic: for her v loving birthday hug Joseph: for being excited about my birthday & helping get a cake! Cel & Nianying: for going to the trouble of buying presents that we'...

XD A shoutout to Jean and Ai! ;D Forgot to mention that they came over and stayed with me through my friday shift, from 2 + to 6.30 am! Although Ai had an appointment (to run... T.T) at 8, she stayed to drive me back! > & to Sheila: miss you loads! Keep feeling weird not seeing you on Sunday when you've to rush off.. Take care & ya, inspired by your attitude to serve man - instead of feeling > ^^D ok, back to studying. Seriously need to get down to the second half of the 'work hard, play hard' motto....

realize that everytime comes to testimony time, i won't share cos i dunno how to really express it as eloquently or spiritually as the rest. ;D but ya, i wanna THANK GOD so here goes... a long list attributing every thanks and good thing to God for this quite-amazing week. My week went like that: Mon - school (11-6), work (11-7am) Tues - school (12-6), Starbucks partner meeting (7.30-9.30), lala-land* Wed - school (12-2), Ministry at Kallang (3-6), Piano lesson (7.30-9), work (11.30-8am) Thurs - crash&burn (10-6pm), study Fri - school (2-5), lala-land (9-10), work (11-6.30am) Sat - quiz (10-11), cell group (2.30-5.30), sports (6-7.30pm), dinner (-9.30pm) T H A N K G OD : 1. for those 15-20 minutes that He showed up everytime i just took up the guitar to get myself ready for the day ahead - through the long hours of work and physical fatigue, i feel it's really God's strength that help me have the capacity to look beyond what i'm feeling and focus on what i want - w...